Ah, summer. School’s out, the weather is warm, the days are long. If only the realities of summer as a parent lived up to the memories of summer as a carefree kid.
My childhood summers consisted of days playing outdoors in a bathing suit that never had time to dry with a backyard and neighborhood full of friends until it got really, really dark. Lying on a lounge chair intentionally browning, coated in suntan oil, fueled by pizza and ice cream, living in the moment, and feeling invincible. Those were the days.
But as a parent – well, let’s just say it’s not my favorite time of year.
Summer is no “vacation” for parents -- instead it is the time when we work the hardest. Before having children, summer’s “longer days” meant time for an evening walk or a glass of wine on the porch after work. Now, they just feel a lot longer than their 24 hours because we have to fill every minute. Also, bedtimes get later, but I am finding that wake up times do not necessarily change (unless you have teenagers, when the best thing about summer vacation is sleeping in).
Juggling multiple children becomes even harder in the summer as younger children must be dragged along with older siblings to and from camps and activities all day long. If a drop-off requires the whole family to actually exit the car, then the challenge becomes to get the stubborn toddler back in the carseat before it is time to return for pickup.
And what happens when one child’s pickup is during another’s naptime? I know I don’t want to have to manage both a tired camper and a cranky baby in my house.
It is hard enough to entertain a seven-year-old and an eighteen-month-old in good moods. It’s not quite fair to say they don’t do the same things, because my daughter would eagerly attempt everything her brother does and then some. Unfortunately, she can’t do everything he does, and often he doesn’t want her to. So then the question becomes how to watch them both while keeping them apart.
Playdates help, but they are also harder to coordinate during the summer months. Back in my day, when school was out you could find everyone in their backyards, but now kids’ varying camp, activity, and vacation schedules make it hard to locate friends.
The summer can be especially difficult for working parents, as their working hours remain the same while their children’s schedules disappear. It can mean months of planning to arrange short-term childcare, and possibly weeks of adjustment for the children. [It is unfortunate that our school schedule has not been adjusted from its agrarian origins to meet the needs of our more industrial society. Just think what it would mean to our family lives if working hours and school hours were more compatible.]
As for taking an actual vacation, well many moms describe this as just “taking the show on the road.” For families with young children, travel means doing the same chores just with fewer resources. I’ve never gone through clothing faster than when on vacation at the beach with no washing machine and humid air that makes a mockery of the term “air dry”. Renting a house for the week? Bring your own towels and sheets, cook and clean up after your meals, vacuum before you leave – when exactly is the relaxing part? And as for entertaining the kids? Well, I used to marvel at how many toys parents would pack just for a weekend visit. Now I find myself in the same boat (or should I say, very crowded car).
Don’t get me wrong, I like summer fun in the sun as much as the next guy….ok, no, I really don’t. My hair is frizzy, my nail polish is forever chipped, and my skin is sweaty. I don’t like to wear a swimsuit in public, to obsessively stalk my children with sunblock, or to feel the sand between my toes (or on my kids, or in my car). I find myself tracking the 69 days until the first day of school just as eagerly as my son counted down the 180 days of the school year. I guess I’m just a summer Scrooge.
But then, as my children and I chase fireflies in our flip-flops one balmy evening, I hear the sound of the ice cream truck and run to track down my wallet before it passes. Ahhhhh, summer!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Graduation Inspiration
It’s the time of year for graduations, and as a recent college graduation attendee (but distant college grad), I listened with envy at commencement speeches filled with optimistic advice to “dream big” and “reach high” delivered to an audience of blank slates (and I mean that in the best way) who saw only possibilities ahead.
Even in this recession, the newly-minted graduates were encouraged to pursue their passions regardless of practicality (as in “Do what you love and the money will follow.”). All the hopes and challenges of the future were placed squarely on their shoulders, and they seemed eager and willing to take it all on.
Even I, a forty-something mother of two, began to feel like a fresh-faced graduate with dozens of doors open in front of me. I came home recharged, ready to finally conquer my “to do if only…” list and pave my own road to glory. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I sunk back into my daily routine, unable to find the time to take even one proactive step towards dream fulfillment.
My memories of the commencement speeches returned and with them the envy of the new beginning that comes with school’s end. As adults, it becomes so easy to lose the energy of possibility. We are rarely the audience for inspiring lectures that recognize our hidden potential. We are rarely encouraged to take chances, to venture into unchartered waters, to risk failure.
Instead so many of us who were fearless as young adults become resistant to change. We may believe our paths are etched in stone leaving us no choice but to continue moving (or standing still) on the same track.
True, there are responsibilities and a need for stability that decrease our perceived options, especially once we become parents. But how many of us limit ourselves with our own fears? How many of us have built a wall of insecurities, unrealistic expectations, and perfectionism that prevents us from forging ahead?
I know I have. And I want to break free. So I went online and sought renewed inspiration from commencement speeches of years gone by.
I nodded my head at the insights actor Bradley Whitford shared with University of Wisconsin graduates in 2004: “We all go through life bristling at our external limitations, but the most difficult chains to break are inside us…. You have a choice. You can either be a passive victim of circumstance or you can be the active hero of your own life….”
I considered the suggestion that movie producer Jerry Zucker made at that same school the year prior: “Ask yourself one question: If I didn't have to do it perfectly, what would I try? For many of you, the biggest obstacle to getting there will be a fear that you have carried with you since childhood — the fear of humiliation, of embarrassment, of ridicule….” I contemplated the words he passed on from John Travolta who told him, “…nobody else is paying as much attention to your failures as you are. You're the only ones who are obsessed with the importance of your own life. To everyone else, it's just a blip on the radar screen, so just move on.”
Knowing that I am just as troubled by the fear of success as I am the fear of failure (“If it works, what will I do? How will I balance it all? What will have to be sacrificed?”), I let myself be shaken up by the words of Steven Jobs from his 2005 speech at Stanford University: “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose…. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life….Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”
And as for the eternal quest for happiness, I smiled when I read what psychology professor Marc S. Lewis said to the graduates of the University of Texas Austin in 2000: “The way to be happy is to like yourself and the way to like yourself is to do only things that make you proud.”
So congratulations to all the graduates out there, be it from high school, college, middle school, elementary school, or even pre-school. Your energy, optimism, risk-taking, and good deeds can be inspiring to us all.
Even in this recession, the newly-minted graduates were encouraged to pursue their passions regardless of practicality (as in “Do what you love and the money will follow.”). All the hopes and challenges of the future were placed squarely on their shoulders, and they seemed eager and willing to take it all on.
Even I, a forty-something mother of two, began to feel like a fresh-faced graduate with dozens of doors open in front of me. I came home recharged, ready to finally conquer my “to do if only…” list and pave my own road to glory. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I sunk back into my daily routine, unable to find the time to take even one proactive step towards dream fulfillment.
My memories of the commencement speeches returned and with them the envy of the new beginning that comes with school’s end. As adults, it becomes so easy to lose the energy of possibility. We are rarely the audience for inspiring lectures that recognize our hidden potential. We are rarely encouraged to take chances, to venture into unchartered waters, to risk failure.
Instead so many of us who were fearless as young adults become resistant to change. We may believe our paths are etched in stone leaving us no choice but to continue moving (or standing still) on the same track.
True, there are responsibilities and a need for stability that decrease our perceived options, especially once we become parents. But how many of us limit ourselves with our own fears? How many of us have built a wall of insecurities, unrealistic expectations, and perfectionism that prevents us from forging ahead?
I know I have. And I want to break free. So I went online and sought renewed inspiration from commencement speeches of years gone by.
I nodded my head at the insights actor Bradley Whitford shared with University of Wisconsin graduates in 2004: “We all go through life bristling at our external limitations, but the most difficult chains to break are inside us…. You have a choice. You can either be a passive victim of circumstance or you can be the active hero of your own life….”
I considered the suggestion that movie producer Jerry Zucker made at that same school the year prior: “Ask yourself one question: If I didn't have to do it perfectly, what would I try? For many of you, the biggest obstacle to getting there will be a fear that you have carried with you since childhood — the fear of humiliation, of embarrassment, of ridicule….” I contemplated the words he passed on from John Travolta who told him, “…nobody else is paying as much attention to your failures as you are. You're the only ones who are obsessed with the importance of your own life. To everyone else, it's just a blip on the radar screen, so just move on.”
Knowing that I am just as troubled by the fear of success as I am the fear of failure (“If it works, what will I do? How will I balance it all? What will have to be sacrificed?”), I let myself be shaken up by the words of Steven Jobs from his 2005 speech at Stanford University: “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose…. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life….Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”
And as for the eternal quest for happiness, I smiled when I read what psychology professor Marc S. Lewis said to the graduates of the University of Texas Austin in 2000: “The way to be happy is to like yourself and the way to like yourself is to do only things that make you proud.”
So congratulations to all the graduates out there, be it from high school, college, middle school, elementary school, or even pre-school. Your energy, optimism, risk-taking, and good deeds can be inspiring to us all.
Mother's Day Off
Every year, when my husband asks, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” I say, “Take the kids to your mother’s,” but I don’t think he believes me, and so I get the usual flowers and a dinner, which sometimes I get to host (yippee!).
But this year, he listened! He took the kids to his mother’s and I had one glorious day all alone. Best Mother’s Day Ever.
When I first learned my dream was going to become a reality, I cheered! And then I felt guilty (ah, that ever-present mom guilt). I should be with my family on Mother’s Day right? They were getting together with aunts, uncles, and cousins – wouldn’t it be awful for me to miss that? Then I came to my senses. Better to be at home enjoying some time to myself than sitting at a barbeque complaining about how I never get any time to myself.
I also planned the rest of the weekend so that I could get the benefits of being treated well by my family while they were around to treat me. I even wrote down my expectations and shared them with my husband and children ahead of time to avoid the disappointment of past years when I have left it up to them to read my mind. So I got time off and dinner out on Saturday, and breakfast out on Sunday morning before they left me for the whole day! (Did I mention that already?)
“No breakfast in bed?” you may ask. Well, we tried that last year. I got a wonderful breakfast– a tower of pancakes and bacon and coffee. But it was delivered at 6 am by the husband and son who I had heard fighting in the kitchen since about 5:15. If I’m not sleeping in, I’d rather go out.
The Mother’s Day breakfast also served to relieve my lingering guilt. I got to celebrate Mother’s Day with my family, but there is nothing like a restaurant meal with young children to get you ready for some alone time.
After breakfast, the family departed and I was happily home alone. I didn’t want a spa day or a vacation or a day at the movies. I wanted a day alone at home so I could actually finish at least one of my endless unfinished projects.
Although I’ll admit it was tempting to spend the day vegging out in the family room. When else would I have complete control over the computer, television, DVD player, DVR, and Wii? I was probably the only person hoping for bad weather so that I didn’t have to fit “basking in the sun with a book” into my schedule too.
But I had promised myself to be productive, so I cranked up the stereo and got to work as my iPod shuffled through my entire iTunes library. I was motivated by the surprising mix of music, from classic rock to energizing dance tunes, and even children’s music. I may have skipped past Elmo, but I’ll admit to grooving to Laurie Berkner and They Might Be Giants like a preschooler.
And so I actually spent my Mother’s Day doing a lot of work, but I didn’t mind it one bit. Yes, I vacuumed, but then the floor stayed clean! I cooked, but just what I wanted, no chicken fingers or fish sticks! Nothing got burned as I ran out to pull back a wandering toddler or change a diaper! And I got to eat too! The whole meal, while it was still hot, with nobody picking at my plate! I did dishes, but just once. Just once, I said, all day! I did laundry, but I got the clothes out of the dryer on the same day unwrinkled! And I put them away without my daughter simultaneously taking them back out! And for the first time in years, I completed a major project in one day, transforming my living room with new drapes. Ah, life uninterrupted.
I did have a few passing worries during the day, like “Did they get to grandma’s safely?”; “Did she get her nap?”; “Is he behaving well?” ; “Should I really be on top of a ladder with power tools when there is nobody home?” ; “Can the neighbors see me dancing?”; “Am I a little too happy about this day?” But everything worked out just fine.
When the day ended, I wasn’t relaxed or coiffed or pedicured, I was exhausted from all the tasks I had finally completed. Or maybe it was the dancing.
But this year, he listened! He took the kids to his mother’s and I had one glorious day all alone. Best Mother’s Day Ever.
When I first learned my dream was going to become a reality, I cheered! And then I felt guilty (ah, that ever-present mom guilt). I should be with my family on Mother’s Day right? They were getting together with aunts, uncles, and cousins – wouldn’t it be awful for me to miss that? Then I came to my senses. Better to be at home enjoying some time to myself than sitting at a barbeque complaining about how I never get any time to myself.
I also planned the rest of the weekend so that I could get the benefits of being treated well by my family while they were around to treat me. I even wrote down my expectations and shared them with my husband and children ahead of time to avoid the disappointment of past years when I have left it up to them to read my mind. So I got time off and dinner out on Saturday, and breakfast out on Sunday morning before they left me for the whole day! (Did I mention that already?)
“No breakfast in bed?” you may ask. Well, we tried that last year. I got a wonderful breakfast– a tower of pancakes and bacon and coffee. But it was delivered at 6 am by the husband and son who I had heard fighting in the kitchen since about 5:15. If I’m not sleeping in, I’d rather go out.
The Mother’s Day breakfast also served to relieve my lingering guilt. I got to celebrate Mother’s Day with my family, but there is nothing like a restaurant meal with young children to get you ready for some alone time.
After breakfast, the family departed and I was happily home alone. I didn’t want a spa day or a vacation or a day at the movies. I wanted a day alone at home so I could actually finish at least one of my endless unfinished projects.
Although I’ll admit it was tempting to spend the day vegging out in the family room. When else would I have complete control over the computer, television, DVD player, DVR, and Wii? I was probably the only person hoping for bad weather so that I didn’t have to fit “basking in the sun with a book” into my schedule too.
But I had promised myself to be productive, so I cranked up the stereo and got to work as my iPod shuffled through my entire iTunes library. I was motivated by the surprising mix of music, from classic rock to energizing dance tunes, and even children’s music. I may have skipped past Elmo, but I’ll admit to grooving to Laurie Berkner and They Might Be Giants like a preschooler.
And so I actually spent my Mother’s Day doing a lot of work, but I didn’t mind it one bit. Yes, I vacuumed, but then the floor stayed clean! I cooked, but just what I wanted, no chicken fingers or fish sticks! Nothing got burned as I ran out to pull back a wandering toddler or change a diaper! And I got to eat too! The whole meal, while it was still hot, with nobody picking at my plate! I did dishes, but just once. Just once, I said, all day! I did laundry, but I got the clothes out of the dryer on the same day unwrinkled! And I put them away without my daughter simultaneously taking them back out! And for the first time in years, I completed a major project in one day, transforming my living room with new drapes. Ah, life uninterrupted.
I did have a few passing worries during the day, like “Did they get to grandma’s safely?”; “Did she get her nap?”; “Is he behaving well?” ; “Should I really be on top of a ladder with power tools when there is nobody home?” ; “Can the neighbors see me dancing?”; “Am I a little too happy about this day?” But everything worked out just fine.
When the day ended, I wasn’t relaxed or coiffed or pedicured, I was exhausted from all the tasks I had finally completed. Or maybe it was the dancing.
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