Surviving the Family Road Trip

When my husband suggested driving to Florida for spring break, I was not exactly supportive. And I wasn’t alone. Sympathetic friends tried to dissuade him, then pondered what might be included in the inevitable column about the disasters of travelling 2,400 miles in the car with two children. And I pondered how I would tell our tale without damaging our marriage.

On top of the long car ride, the destination was one that we had just visited last month after our stumble through Disney. “It’s all about the journey,” said my idealistic spouse. I half-listened while thinking about how the children barely make it through twenty minutes in the car without fighting, teasing, screaming. Twenty hours? Yes, that will be a journey all right.

His one convincing selling point was our children’s interest in hotels. They love hotels, riding the elevators, swimming in the pools, and sampling assorted pastries at the free breakfasts. In addition, they have recently proven that they will actually sleep in hotels (though I still find myself awake most of the time primed for one of them to wake up or roll off the bed). So I gave in and packed up the car.

For a moment, it seemed as though this trip might not happen, or at least that it was cursed. My son was ill the day before the journey so we moved our departure from night to very early the next morning. Then, after a successful pre-dawn launch (note that the one day my kids don’t wake me up at 4 am, I have to get up at 4 am), we almost had to return home with car troubles. When that turned out to be a false alarm, I was a little disappointed. We were still going.

My husband handled the bulk of the driving without complaint. When he drove, he kept himself alert by asking me questions about the local geography, and doing mental math to calculate our average speed, how far we had traveled, how far we had to go, and how far we would have been if we had left at various different times from various different places. When I drove, I kept alert by drinking Diet Coke and singing every song that played on the radio. Trust me, after 2,400 miles, I can tell you which songs are overplayed, no matter how much I like them. Taylor and “Hey-Ho” guys, I’m talking to you (though for some reason, I never get tired of Adam Levine).

We were driving my husband’s sedan instead of my SUV, a decision I questioned until I witnessed another father at a rest stop trying to shut his SUV hatch over a wall of belongings while random things kept dropping out of one side or another. Then I was happy to have our (much more limited) stuff contained in the trunk. Not only could it not be seen, but it also could not be accessed on a whim by me or the kids climbing over the back seat while cruising in the left lane of the highway. And my children didn’t think they had a large rectangular cube to fill up before we left.
But the stars of the week had to be the kids. They were outstanding passengers. They never said, “Are we there yet?” In fact, they never wanted to get out of the car. Of course, this was not our parents’ road trip, where we had to entertain ourselves looking for assorted state license plates, and playing magnetic checkers. In fact, any magnets would have destroyed our entertainment, which was all electronic. We had so many cords and chargers strung out in the back seat it looked like a spider’s web.

In all, we were on the road for two days down and two days home. Stops at “South of the Border” and Savannah satisfied my need for some small adventure (though these “long” stops tortured the others). And finding a Rainforest Café on the way home was a bonus for the kids. As for the hotels – well, that was a bait and switch. On this trip, there was no relaxing poolside. We arrived in time for bed then departed as early as possible to get back on the road. After all, we wanted to have vacation days left to spend at our destination before we had to turn around and come back. I did draw the line at moving our children from the bed to the car before sunrise and missing the breakfast bar too.

When we arrived home, I admitted to my husband that “it was not as bad as I thought.” To me, this meant “At least we are all still speaking to each other.” My husband has translated it as, “Let’s go again!” (Groan)

Introverted Mom

A wise frog once said, “It's not easy being green. It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things, and people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water or stars in the sky.”

When I was a child, I thought that Kermit was talking about the difficulties of being, well, green. But listening to his words recently with my daughter, I realized that he was talking about the challenges of being introverted in our very extroverted world. I’m embarrassed to admit that my eyes welled up with tears, and this song has become a bit of an anthem for me, as I have been struggling with this dilemma for as long as I can remember.

Recently, other introverts have started to speak out as well. Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking was on multiple bestseller lists, and she was a featured author at the Darien Library last fall. Additionally, Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert’s Corner blog for Psychology Today published The Introvert’s Way: Living A Quiet Life in a Noisy World.

These authors point out that the definitions of “introvert” and “extrovert” are complex. Many of us have some combination of both traits, and we may not fit an expected stereotype. Introverts are not necessarily “antisocial” or “loners” or even “shy”. The fundamental characteristic distinguishing introverts from extroverts is their internal energy source. While extroverts get energy from being around others, introverts refuel with quiet time alone. Extroverts thrive with a lot of external stimulation, while introverts are more easily overwhelmed. Introverts like me still enjoy socializing but with fewer, close friends, and in shorter intervals.

In college and in the corporate world, I knew my introversion would be a challenge. I took small steps to connect with others and challenged myself to build a career in the extroverted business of advertising. But I never considered how my introverted nature would affect my role as a mom. I assumed being home all day with my little minions would be perfect for my introverted soul. But I’m finding it’s even harder to be an introverted mom than it was to be an introverted ad executive.

This suburban oasis is filled with “achievers”, “leaders”, and “stars”. Even the stay-at-home parents often leave high profile careers, and take their outgoing Type A personalities to the playgrounds and the PTOs. I try to join in, volunteer my time, and host events, but I get palpitations just writing about it here. It feels like every group is filled with teams of friends who choose to conduct their activities in tandem while I go solo, sit quietly in the corner, and participate in simple ways when needed, sometimes admittedly resenting the resulting loss of a rare quiet hour.

While I know the constant barrage of input from children can be truly overwhelming to any parent, it is tougher for the introverted parent because of our need for quiet time to recharge. Weekends are the least relaxing of my days despite our limited schedules and my husband’s availability to share the load because there are just too many people around. The constant activity, noise, requests, clutter build-up, and need for my attention completely wear me down. The result is not always pretty. I also worry that my need for solitude could become a hindrance to my children’s social lives. I don’t want them stuck at home because I am uncomfortable joining in.

Even the books which speak to growing up as an introvert, finding success in a workplace that rewards more extroverted behaviors, and parenting the introverted child, do not provide much information about surviving as an introverted mom. But luckily I found some introverted moms online (of course!). They shared tips to balance down time with social activities that aren’t overwhelming. For example, having playdates at a park or museum with built-in entertainment instead of at home may provide a good balance of activity for the children and quiet time for the parents. Inviting one family over for a casual dinner may be easier to handle than hosting a big gathering. Scheduling rest time daily and emphasizing softer indoor voices can bring down the stimulation level at home. Wandering supermarket aisles alone when childcare is available can offer a relaxing break.

In their books, both Cain and Dembling speak to the fact that many introverts can be pseudo-extroverts when the situation requires it. “But in the long run,” says Cain, “staying true to your temperament is the key to finding work you love and work that matters.” And, this means making family time work for you as well.

Like Kermit,“I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be.”

Stumblin' Thru Disney

We just got back from Disney World, a last minute jaunt planned during the cabin fever days of a February snowstorm. With a princess-obsessed little girl and a Splash Mountain-loving son, it seemed the perfect time to go. But I get the impression that other families do Disney better – or at least more intensely – than we do.

Most families get the package deal with multiple days in multiple parks, stay in Disney hotels, fill up on the meal plans with their refillable cups, attend character breakfasts/lunches/dinners, and know the perfect viewing spots for the nightly fireworks. They navigate the park expertly from “land” to “land” obtaining fast passes for the most popular rides while waiting in line for the others and never doubling back. They have full Disney wardrobes, with Minnie dresses and Buzz Lightyear backpacks.

We are not most families. We stay off campus, fumble our way through public transportation, wander indirectly from ride to ride, and leave after a few hours. Somehow, we make it work, though I haven’t quite figured out if we win or lose in our attempts to outsmart the Disney marketing conspiracy and their comparison-resistant all-inclusive plans.

This time we opted to stay a mile from Downtown Disney, so close that it seemed easy to get to and from the park if our schedules didn’t match the few and far-between shuttles from our hotel. But it turned out to be a little more complicated than we thought. I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say that our hour-plus trips back and forth played out like “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” just renamed “Buses, Monorails, and Cabs”. I started to suspect that Disney discouraged any travel outside its realm. Point Disney.

We were just staying two days and our hotel served breakfast, so we opted out of meal plans and chose to focus on just the Magic Kingdom. All of the character meals were sold out by the time we planned our trip, but we waited on a five minute line to meet Mickey instead, and that was enough for everyone. The kids saw Mickey, I got a picture, and my husband saved about $200 on food expenses. Point us!

We had a vision of getting an early start and staying late into the night, but our kids maxed out after four hours. On day two, it was a battle to get them out of the hotel. They didn’t care that they hadn’t seen Ariel yet or gone in the Haunted Mansion. They didn’t want a souvenir. They certainly didn’t care about maximizing the value of our very expensive two-day tickets. They were just tired of walking.

Not that there weren’t other kids who were ready to leave, mind you. By my observation, around 4:30 pm the “happiest place on earth” fills with tears as boys with pirate faces and girls in pastel gowns and glittered hair demonstrate their fatigue with full-out tantrums. Their parents look pretty worn out as well, as they bribe their kids with pretzels and Mickey pops to keep them going until their dinner with Cinderella.

But I’m pretty sure that we were the only family whose kids were begging to leave the park by 5 pm so they didn’t miss the free chips and slurpees at our hotel’s complimentary happy hour. Seriously, $100 a day for tickets and you want to get back for free tortilla chips?

“Well, we could always come back later,” we thought, but instead, we ordered room service and crashed – forget the fireworks. Point Disney? (Or does free drinks mean the point goes to us?)

Of course, despite all efforts to avoid the costly Disney traps, we did get suckered once. The new attraction “Enchanted Tales with Belle” gives the kids the chance to act out a scene with Belle from Beauty and the Beast. My daughter was cast as the little cup “Chip” and for some reason I was also cast, as an armored guard. It was very cute, and on the way out we were given an online access code to view photos taken by a Disney photographer. When I saw the cost of purchasing these photos, it dawned on me that I was probably cast so I wouldn’t take my own photos. (I may have been fiddling with my camera when they picked me). I’m not making any accusations, just saying that would be a smart move. I mean, who’s not going to buy a photo of their child acting with Belle (I’ll admit it’s hard enough to pass up the photo of me acting with Belle!) Point Disney.

So, we may not be the most efficient family at Disney World, but we still had a great time. The kids enjoyed the rides, parades, and characters as we stumbled upon them. And we even got a lovely couple to take the required family shot in front of Cinderella’s castle.

Wait, Christmas card photo done, in March?! We win!

Get Help for Domestic Violence

As a therapist, I regularly work with perpetrators and victims of domestic violence. Recently within our community I have heard, overheard, and read comments regarding domestic violence that range from concerned to judgmental to misinformed. So many have involved common questions and misperceptions about domestic violence and its consequences that I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to share some of what I have learned over years of working in this arena.

While both men and women experience domestic abuse, statistics show women are the vast majority of victims (approximately 85%), and they suffer significantly more physical damage from abuse than men. Domestic violence is experienced by 1 in 4 women, is the leading cause of injury to women (1 out of 3 women’s emergency room visits), and resulted in almost 180 deaths in Connecticut alone from 2000-2011. It occurs among women of all ages, races, and income levels.

As highlighted in the 2/21/13 Darien Times editorial, domestic violence is one of the most underreported crimes. Male victims often do not report abuse due to societal pressures and gender expectations, but women significantly underreport as well. It is estimated that only 25% of physical assaults against women by intimate partners are reported. Reasons for not reporting include fear of retaliation or judgment, desire to protect the offender or avoid police contact, and feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or shame.

Some ask why an abused partner doesn’t just leave the relationship. This speaks to the complex nature of domestic violence. When emotions, families, and interdependence are involved, it is not easy to walk away. A woman may stay because she doesn’t want to break up the family, because she thinks she can change things, because she is dependent on her partner’s support (emotionally, financially, physically), because he threatened to kill or “ruin” her if she leaves, because she loves him and he promised to change.

Some say, “When I was growing up, conflicts in the family were handled in the family. It was nobody else’s business.” or “My parents always fought, and nobody ever called the police.” But that’s just not true anymore. Recent decades have seen dramatic changes in domestic violence laws in response to the severity of domestic violence incidents. And outside observers are more likely to make a call.

“But it was just an argument, it didn’t get physical,” clients say. Many are surprised to learn that the definition of domestic violence includes emotional and verbal abuse as well as physical violence. Arguments that involve raised voices, aggressive tones, name-calling, cursing, or smashing things create an environment of intimidation. Yes, most couples argue sometimes. But most arguments do not escalate to the point where somebody (inside or out of the house) feels fearful enough to call the police. If one does, then it might just be that police involvement stopped “just an argument” from becoming something more.

After an arrest, one may wonder about the need for a protective order. After all, “…it was just one time” or “…the victim asked for it to be removed or changed” or “…it’s so hard on the children.” The reality is that no judge can predict without fail whether an offender will commit another violent act, or whether a victim has recanted accusations out of guilt or fear, so the court errs on the side of safety. Of course, not everybody will comply with an order of protection (it is estimated that 50% don’t), but many may be deterred by it. It may force a necessary cooling off period for both sides, and likely has protected further violence in many cases.

Often perpetrators of domestic abuse will point at the victim. “She made me do it,” “She pushed my buttons,” or “What else could I do?” are common excuses, but the truth is that using violence is a personal choice, and never the only option. It is also often a choice made when our judgment is clouded by anger or stress, or compromised by alcohol or drug use.

Many clients say that they were never taught skills to build healthy relationships and manage conflict in a non-violent way. That is a major focus of my counseling work with couples and individuals. To learn to communicate clearly and respectfully, manage frustration while staying calm, and be tolerant of disagreement. To identify “red flags” in one’s own or another’s behavior that indicate significant differences in values, expectations, and conflict-resolution styles. To learn how to recognize abuse of power, how to walk away, how to ask for help.

No relationship will be conflict-free at all times. But the bottom line is that everyone has a right to feel safe in their homes. Seek counseling or crisis services if you need them, and be supportive, not judgmental of others who are in need.

Assume Nothing

According to a popular saying, there are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth.

I was reminded of this while watching one of those reality television shows starring supposed “ordinary” people living out-of-the-ordinary lives which seem to involve an awful lot of catty fighting.

This particular episode offered an interesting opportunity to view an actual argument and then get each participant’s viewpoint on what happened. I was fascinated by the inconsistencies as I watched each woman misquote their adversary and also themselves, draw faulty conclusions about the other’s thoughts and intentions, and broadly label the other’s whole personality based on this one exchange (“juvenile”, “conceited”, “self-centered”, “insane”).

Then I wondered how often I have ascribed unintentional meaning to a statement spoken to me, how much I have exaggerated when repeating stories of conflict to my friends, how many words I have misquoted to reflect what I heard more than what may have actually been said. When recounting a story with a flippant, “I can’t remember the exact words, but the gist was…..”, how often may the actual words have revealed a different intent than the “gist” I got?

My father used to say, “I know you know exactly what you think I said, but what you think I said is not what I meant.” I have been using this phrase a lot in my counseling work recently, because I am often told the details of what someone’s partner did or said editorialized with the listener’s interpretation (presented as fact) of why she did or said it. There is plenty of room for error here on the side of both the listener (misinterpreting the meaning) and the speaker (poorly delivering the message), and identifying these communication errors is critical to improving relationships.

How often do we mistake the words, or more often, the intention, put forth by partners, friends, colleagues? For example, perusing a spouse’s cellphone may be done out of “nosiness” or “jealousy”, but also out of fear or entitlement. A snippy tone directed your way may be “because he hates me” or may be the result of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. A “nag” may just be feeling ignored.

While most people do not purposely twist words and make false assumptions, it’s not very surprising that this occurs, especially in difficult situations. After all, in the heat of battle, our emotions are heightened and our natural instinct is to defend, so we may detect weapons when there are none.

Additionally, our expectations of how people will treat us can shape our view of how they actually do treat us. How many of us can laugh off a personal comment made by a close friend (“they know us so well”), while the same comment may be viewed as a personal attack by a competitive colleague (“How dare they say that!”)? Who hasn’t noticed that on days when we’re feeling happy, we are less bothered by the attitudes of those with whom we interact, be they positive or negative?

The women in the aforementioned television show had earlier concluded that they weren’t on the same wavelength and were never going to be friends, and so their every interaction contributed to the prevention of a friendship.

Finally, when we repeat our exchange to another uninvolved (though perhaps not unbiased) party, we are usually asking for confirmation of our assumptions, agreement with our conclusions, and empathy towards our reactions. So maybe we overstate the venomous tone of our opponent’s voice, or the nastiness of the words, or the frightening volume. And maybe we understate our own – just a bit.

It is possible to keep miscommunications from ruining our relationships by simply double-checking our conclusions, “asking” instead of “assuming”. When something we hear hits a chord, stop and think about what may be causing the reaction. Did they really mean what we heard? Are we making assumptions about what they said or why they said it that may not be true? Might they be under stress or have some misinformation that is causing them to react with an overabundance of emotion? Ask them. The question can be as simple as, “Excuse me, what did you say?” Or it can be more complex, like “It sounds like you said this. Is that what you meant?” It is only after we know that we have understood each other that we can respond fairly. (Of course, we can still over- or under-react, but at least we know we are reacting to the right input.)

We may never truly eliminate the third side of the story – that’s part of the nature of human interaction – but with a few questions, we can achieve a little more overlap and a lot more understanding.

Laugh Out Loud

The Snapple fact on the cap of my lunchtime tea stated: “The average 6-year-old laughs 300 times per day. The average adult: 15 to 100.”

Oh, wise Snapple writers, thank you for bringing attention to a serious problem infiltrating households everywhere: Humorlessness. While the actual research varies on the specific daily laugh number (some studies report kids as high as 400 and adults as low as 4), it has repeatedly been proven that children laugh a great deal more than adults. Researchers could have saved a lot of time and money if they just spoke to moms, at least the ones I know, who frequently complain about this loss of humor, often tied to the bigger overall loss of our pre-parenting identity.

We all remember a time when we were fun, even funny, back when we had few responsibilities beyond caring for ourselves. Before our days were filled with other people’s needs, schedules, illnesses, activities and messes on top of our own. Now many of us find ourselves spending so much of our time shouting orders, making repeated requests (I refuse to use the word “nagging”), and hurrying things along, that we have difficulty accessing our old amusing selves. Our carefree laughter is often replaced with a different kind of humor, one that is self-deprecating or sarcastic. And that’s not funny for anyone.

There is nothing like the sound of a child laughing. Baby laughs are adorable, but children’s laughs are hearty and heart-felt. They are honestly amused and reacting in the purest way.

We seem to lose this as adults, or at least the occasions for such pure unadulterated laughter are minimized. Not only because we are more laden with stressors and responsibilities, but because we are socialized to censor ourselves. We get more self-conscious, more “proper”, more “politically correct”. We feel responsible for being role models for our kids and don’t want to be caught laughing at something that might be offensive or inappropriate. We even discourage laughing with our children if they are misbehaving, no matter how cute, to avoid encouraging continued mischief.

According to Dr. William Fry of Stanford University Medical School, a pioneer in the field of laughter research, laughter has many of the benefits of physical exercise. It lowers your blood pressure and heart rate, improves lung capacity, massages internal organs, increases memory and alertness, reduces pain, improves digestion, lowers stress hormones, exercises muscles in your chest and abdomen, and even benefits other muscles not directly involved. Dr. Fry said that laughing 100-200 times per day provides as much cardiovascular exercise as rowing for 10 minutes! (And requires no special equipment or clothing.)

PBS host and youth educator Michael Pritchard puts it more succinctly, stating, “You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.”

When I need a quick laugh, I have a few go-tos. Sometimes I’ll watch America’s Funniest Videos with my son, whose gut-busting guffaws at the slapstick humor are much more entertaining than the videos themselves. I might view a short clip of my 4-year-old singing Disney songs to delight in her sincere operatic delivery of misunderstood words. Maybe I’ll text a college friend who never fails to deliver on an old private joke. Or check out my Twitter feed in which local and national news sources are interspersed with humorists who always supply a funny one-liner or two (try The Honest Toddler or The Onion).

Once in a long while something strikes me so funny that I literally can’t stop laughing. It’s not always an obvious joke (in fact, it usually isn’t), and it’s not always in an appropriate spot (again, often not), but nonetheless, I find myself bursting forth uncontrollably with snickers, chortles, and ultimately tears, like that classic scene from The Mary Tyler Moore Show when Mary laughed through Chuckles the Clown’s funeral (okay, I’m dating myself, but check it out on YouTube for another guaranteed laugh). Clearly it’s a release of months of emotion and tension that have been held in check, and I love when it happens, no matter how embarrassing, because it’s a piece of myself that I recognize from my youth.

Our lives are stressful, and tedious, and sometimes irritating, and it’s often hard to find the humor in the moment. If we can step back and laugh at least a little about some of the frustrations tackled on an average day, it will benefit ourselves and our families. So if you see me chuckling randomly to myself around town, don’t be concerned. Please join in!

A Mom's Plea to Help End the Violence

After attending what was probably my sixth lecture in two years on keeping our children safe from cyberbullies, cyberscams, and violent and sexual images, something in me just snapped. As parents, we often find ourselves in auditoriums listening to people telling us how to cushion our kids from the content they can barely avoid. But why don’t we attack the content?

It wasn’t that long ago when there were limits enforced in the entertainment industry to protect children and families. Mature television shows were on late or on premium channels. Foul language was minimized. R-ratings were actually enforced. But now thanks to decreases in regulation and increases in technology, it seems impossible to shield our children from inappropriate content.

And so, the already extensive job of parenting has grown exponentially harder. The work-life balance now includes the challenge of finding time to review our kids’ facebook pages, instagram accounts, emails, texts and online chats; install parental controls on computers, phones and televisions; attend cybersafety seminars and monitor all viewing activity; and repeatedly counter powerful negative media messages with our positive, value-based beliefs.

What if we used all the time and energy we spend trying to intercept and deflect messages to fight back against the corporations that continue to create and promote the mass of material that glorifies graphic violence and sexuality and exploits the addictive and unquestioning nature of our kids?

I was an advertising executive and I am a heavy consumer of pop culture, so I feel like I come to this argument from an honest place. I am not naïve or prude, but content has pushed the limits so far that one does not have to be very conservative to take issue. When we cheer for women who aggressively attack their “friends”, flipping tables and pulling hair, why are we startled by statistics showing violence among girls nearing the level of that among boys? When we make psychotic “jokers” and serial killers the most entertaining and cunning film characters, why are we shocked when someone seeks attention with a similar real-life crime? When guns are waved flippantly and used without a second thought by pop culture icons, why are we surprised when our youth does the same?

There are teams of people involved with producing and marketing a game, movie, or television show. Creators, producers, editors, network executives, advertisers, some of whom I am certain are parents. I beg them to think about what they are putting forth to our kids, to our society. Are they so driven by the dollar that they are willing to give up civility? To perpetuate a world in which we seek power through violence, glorify bad behavior, and respect only ourselves rather than foster a safe and supportive community where our children can achieve honest success? Why are they appealing to the base of human nature rather than aspiring to its greatest potential?

I was encouraged by this week’s editorial in Entertainment Weekly in which managing editor Jess Cagle openly questioned his role in perpetuating the problem. “We are a nation obsessed with guns and gore, and all of us play a role in making it so,” he stated. “…when I help keep a violent show on the air – by watching it or by celebrating it in EW – what is my responsibility if that show contributes to a sadistic culture or inspires one unhinged person to do something awful?” As media consumers, none of us can ignore that our support of these entertainment vehicles helps perpetuate their messages.

We need to rise up not just against guns, but against our culture of violence. We need to say NO to television shows that promote angry, violent, out-of-control behavior, NO to graphic violence on screen, NO to huge salaries for entertainers who sing about abusing their girls and killing their rivals. We need to share stories of people behaving well, instead of rewarding people with incessant media attention when they behave badly. We need to support those who act selflessly instead glorifying those who are in it for themselves.

Will children still play and purchase video games that are not graphically violent? If the games are entertaining and challenging, I think they will. Will audiences still watch television shows and films that do not compete to use the worst language, shock with the goriest crime, or show the most skin? If the stories are engaging and well-written, I think they will.

Perhaps the entertainment companies should have some faith in their consumers and compete for the best quality, not the biggest shock value. Then maybe they can put forth what they want the world to be, not what it is.

Control Freak

This is my first column of the new year, and so I feel like I should be writing about making resolutions, getting a fresh start, or becoming a whole new me, but I don’t really want to. First of all, I have never seen a resolution through to completion, and it just makes me feel bad when I realize in April that I have only three daily journal entries, have gained 5 pounds, and have yet to finish the scrapbook I started in 2006. Secondly, I have been a student or parent for about three-quarters of my life, so I run on a school year, not a calendar year. I like to start in September, not January, and end on the high note of summer, not in a post-holiday slump.

It’s not that I don’t have many behaviors I want to change – I do, believe me I do (and my family could probably come up with a few more). Improve my diet, exercise, find greater job satisfaction, compliment more and complain less, and so on. But when I really think about it, the one thing that causes me the most aggravation on a daily basis is my need for control, for everything to be in its place, for everything to go as I plan.

I was always very organized, timely, and proactive when I was just responsible for myself. But now that there are four of us to manage, the inability to keep everything under control is taking a toll on this control freak.

They say we teach people how to treat us, and I have taught my family that Mom will take care of everything. I am the planner, the finder, the fixer, the creator, and supplier for the whole family. And when I can’t plan or find or fix or create or supply, my family complains. Then I get mad at them because I feel unappreciated for all the times I succeeded at these jobs in the past. But I am also upset with myself, because I failed.

While I crave the control, I don’t actually like it. I get annoyed in the morning watching my kids play while I run around gathering clothes, making breakfast and lunch, packing backpacks, and watching the clock. But then I scoff at my son when he wants to bring something unconventional to school. I dread family trips when I am responsible for planning, packing, tickets, directions, snacks, etc. But I get more irritated when the others jump in and unpack my precisely-packed bags to fit in more plush toys or different clothes, or put in leaky, perishable snacks, or poorly-packaged toys that spill little parts throughout our luggage.

So though I resent my job as controller, I also discourage my family from being responsible for themselves. When someone else steps in, instead of praising them for what they did, I often hear myself regretting what I did not.

Why can’t I let go? The surface answer is that by doing it all myself, things are usually done “right” and we avoid the consequences of an incomplete job. But if I am going to be honest and year-end-reflective, I think the real reason I hold on is because if I am not the planner, finder, fixer, creator, and supplier, then I don’t know who I am. If I let my family take care of their own needs, I’ll have to say goodbye to the martyr in me that loves to say, “I always have to plan/find/fix everything around here!” (I don’t like her, but I’m kind of attached.) I’m afraid I may become unnecessary, or even more afraid that if I am free to take care of my own needs, I may have to figure out what they are.

When I look, I see my kids have given me many opportunities to let go. My four-year-old wants to do everything herself but I often intervene. My son surprises me by maturing past old attitudes and needs that I unintentionally fight to maintain. When I let them go, they do pretty well. Sure they make mistakes, and messes, and forget things, and take their frustration out on me as they maneuver through the learning curve. But I have to toughen up to these growing pains and consider them just steps on the road to freedom – for all of us.

So my goal for 2013 is to learn to let go. But to my family, I won’t call it a resolution. I’m calling it a warning.

Christmas "PEAR"

I love my family - immediate and extended, but let’s face it: While one of the best things about the holidays can be spending time with family, this can also be one of the most stressful. Family members have spent years studying each other’s buttons and learning just how to push them for maximum impact. Visions of perfect storybook celebrations may keep everyone on their best behavior for a while, but the suppression of negative emotions doesn’t always last, especially when mixed with high expectations, long days, decreased sleep, and increased alcohol intake.

“Plan ahead” is the catchphrase of the holiday season, with lifestyle gurus in the media offering a more enjoyable experience via the use of schedules, lists, family chore charts, and multi-sized baskets. But we often forget that it is as important to prepare for the emotional side of the holidays as for the practical side. After all, it is usually negative emotional experiences that cloud our holiday memories. We may be able to laugh about burned roasts or forgotten stocking stuffers, but it is harder to dismiss a sibling’s nasty comment about our parenting skills or an uncle’s drunken commentary on our lifestyle choices.

When helping clients manage stress and anger, I use a simple acronym, PEAR, which I’ll pretend I created in honor of the proverbial “pear tree” within which the holiday partridge sits. At least that should make it easy to remember through the upcoming twelve days of Christmas vacation.

P is for “plan” or “prepare”: Our closest family members may know best how to push our buttons, but they didn’t put them there. We are each responsible for minimizing or removing our own buttons so they cannot be pushed, so first we need to know what they are.

Think about your anger triggers. What behaviors or phrases get to you? What are the underlying themes? Are you especially sensitive to being disrespected, talked down to, criticized? Do you get upset when others challenge or compete with you? Can you tolerate different opinions? Be honest with yourself, because the only way you can remove your triggers is to confront them.

If you don’t know, tune in to your body. When we are upset, there are often physical indications – rise in body temperature, shortness of breath, louder or faster talking, sweaty or shaky hands. If you still don’t know, ask your children or spouse. I’ll bet they can tell you what bothers you and what you look like when you are mad.

Once you have identified your triggers, the goal is to be able to recognize when you are starting to get agitated and choose more positive responses. Or get away.
E is for Escape: We can’t always eliminate stressful situations from our lives, but we can develop an escape plan to be executed when necessary. If you are in a group setting, be aware of the actual exit doors. If there is a person or topic that is especially difficult for you, enlist a partner you can signal to rescue you from an extended conversation. If you have a full house, take a breather away from company and do something on your own to recharge.

A is for Avoid: Someone who has just ended a relationship may want to pass on events that their ex may attend. Someone who is struggling with sobriety might avoid holiday parties where alcohol may be flowing. Even at home, if there is a particular guest who always drinks too much and acts out, lock the vodka in the liquor cabinet during their stay.

R is for Relax or Resolve: Simple techniques may seem corny, but it is true that a few deep breaths can interrupt the cycle of anger and help minimize the instinctive reactions we later regret. Come up with a few key phrases to calm yourself like “I don’t have to win this one,” “She’s entitled to her opinion”, or “This is not about me” to put the situation back in perspective and help you regain control. The short-term goal is to relax in the moment, but these skills can also help us resolve issues in the long-term by changing the way we think about them overall.

This year, following the recent tragedy in Newtown and the devastating Fall storms, many of us are more on edge than usual. There may be sensitivities where before there were none – concerns about loss and recovery, financial worries, fears that may cause sleeplessness for us or our children. Try to find some quiet time to reflect on your own family and consider what old, new, and possibly unexpected issues may arise this year. Then prepare yourself so that your twelve days of Christmas vacation can end with a rousing chorus.

Happy holidays!

Extreme To Do List

I know it sounds cliché, but it feels like I just put away last year’s holiday decorations and here I am bringing them back out again. (Truth be told, I actually did just put them away in August after having originally shoved them in a closet in January.)

Regardless, the calendar says it is time to get ready for another holiday season, which to me means it’s time for the “Extreme To-Do List”. Unlike the rest of the year, the “Extreme To-Do List” contains my regular to-do list overlaid with multiple additional to-do lists. Gift lists, grocery lists, guest lists, packing lists. Lists separated by family, friends, school, and work. Sometimes I feel like my list is longer than Santa’s.

There is something gratifying about crossing an item off the list as it gets done. However, my list is a bit too malleable this year. I find I’m adding to it as fast as I cross out, supplementing my organized columns with scribbles in every free space, so by the end of the day, my list is an illegible mess and “rewrite to-do list” becomes another entry.

Today, while driving to yet another superstore, listening to the newest rendition of “Santa Baby”, I passed a van that was advertising “Virtual Assistants”. For an instant, the thought of hiring someone to do my “to-do’s” was quite enticing. But then I realized I would have to make a “to-do” list for them, and by the time I finished that, I probably could have completed half of the tasks myself.

The alterations in our usual weekly schedules also clutter the list. Year-end performances and holiday events require advanced preparations. Preschool ends a week earlier than public school, filling previously empty morning hours. Half-days drastically alter afternoon schedules. (By the way, what’s with the week of half-days for elementary parent-teacher conferences right after the short Thanksgiving week? Don’t they know we need those holiday kick-off hours to get the best deals at ToysRUs?).

As a result, I have had to start writing out everything that has to be done not just daily, but hour by hour, otherwise something or somebody is going to be forgotten. I knew it was really getting bad when I added “take a shower” to my list.

As for holiday decorating, we have condensed our preparations by using a fake tree, which goes up fully lit in minutes. I am a little embarrassed to admit this, as I feel bad about losing the family tradition associated with a real tree. You know, getting everyone bundled up to go out in the freezing cold to buy the tree, struggling to get it on the car, struggling to get it off the car, struggling to get it in the door, struggling to shorten the trunk when it doesn’t stand up, passing the lights around the back of the tree as the branches hit us in the face, watering the tree, vacuuming up the needles after we forget to water it, vacuuming up the needles after the kids pull off the ornaments, vacuuming up the needles after we drag the dead tree through the house well past the end of the season . . . . Oh wait, I don’t really feel that bad. A few pine-scented candles and we’ll be good.

Thanks to the early Thanksgiving, we got a head start this year, but with young kids that doesn’t always help. Their fun comes mostly from undoing any decorating that we have done (under the guise of “playing”). Every day, my three- year-old wants to take the ornaments off the tree and redecorate it. I try to keep the fragile ornaments up high so she can play with the ones she can reach, but the other day, I noticed a chair had been pulled up alongside the tree, clearly part of what could have been a very bad situation that must have been going on while I was tackling something on my to-do list more fun than “supervise children”.

I actually don’t mind many of the holiday tasks when you take out the inconveniences of crowds, parking, and the like. But because they are dropped on top of my regular usually unfinished to-do list, it can sometimes get overwhelming, and I don’t always react well.

I dream of creating holidays filled with special family traditions, but sometimes I worry that the only tradition I’m passing on to my kids is that of Mom losing it by December 15th. I can only hope my kids will possess rose-colored memories with my crazy behavior forgotten, or maybe they will remember my micromanaging as a fun little piece of our family life: “Remember when Mom went nuts when we ripped up her to-do list? Ha Ha, good times.”