Monday, September 10, 2007

Calm Down!!!

Well, summer is just ending and I'm ready. I can't wait to get back to the routines of school - it's been a long time and my son and I have been spending a LOT of time together. Lately, we have found ourselves getting frustrated and irritated more easily and more often than usual. Recently, we were at an event and my son was upset that we couldn’t play certain games due to other coinciding activities. His frustration soon spiraled into a fit, and he took it out on me with uncharacteristically angry words.

As a therapist, I teach anger management skills to groups and individuals, but that doesn’t mean that I am always successful at using them myself. In this case, my first instinct was to scream “You do NOT talk to me that way!” But then my training finally kicked in at the right time, and I held my tongue. I knew that his intention was not to hurt me but simply to vent his anger (and perhaps to embarrass me enough so I might give in to his wishes to avoid a scene). I also realized that he was likely very frightened by the intensity of his emotions, and decided to keep my own level of intensity low so that he could bring his down as well.

I’ve noticed that we adults are more likely to recognize that we may be at fault in confrontations with other adults than when we lock horns with our children. Sometimes we forget that children have a right to their emotions and opinions, even if these opinions seem illogical or irrational. Our natural inclination is to negate them, give our kids the right facts, and expect the discussion to move on. But children don’t move on so quickly. They don’t see the limitations in reality that we know exist. They don’t understand the range of emotions that they may be experiencing simultaneously (many adults don’t either). So it is our job as parents to help our children learn to identify, cope with, and resolve their anger and any underlying emotions.

In our situation, my son was disappointed that he couldn’t play, and confused as to why. He was afraid that he would never get to play again, and frustrated when he thought I didn’t understand this. As he became more and more hysterical, I urged him to take a deep breath to help stop the downward spiral. But my child seems to believe that if I disagree with him, it is because I didn’t hear him. Taking a deep breath means he has to stop talking, which means he has to stop repeating his argument, leaving him vulnerable to loss. So if I want him to pause, I must reassure him that I hear what he wants but he still cannot have it.
Validating our children’s emotions and opinions is an important step to gaining their cooperation, and this is true for adults too. If we don’t feel understood, we will continue to plead our case rather than work towards a solution.

Now, recognizing that the emotions are okay does not mean excusing the bad behavior. We all have a right to feel angry, but we have a responsibility to resolve our anger in a safe and respectful way, even if the anger comes in response to another’s inappropriate actions. So, while we should acknowledge, “I know you are angry/frustrated/disappointed/etc.,” we can follow up with “but you cannot hit/kick/yell at me/etc in that disrespectful manner. Let me help you find another way to release your angry energy”.

When I said this to my son, he became invested in solving the problem. Note, it didn’t happen immediately – I had to repeat the statement several times (and keep myself calm as well) before he was ready to seek a solution. But the fact that I wasn’t screaming hysterically back at him helped him drop his defenses and begin to settle down.

“How can we release the angry energy?” he asked. I suggested physical releases like running around the yard, jumping up and down, doing karate chops and yells (in the air, not against another). “But what if that doesn’t work?” asked my pensive son. I suggested quiet playtime alone doing manual tasks like kneading Playdoh or drawing, or playing a children’s computer game. I offered up television shows like Dragon Tales or Caillou, which offer examples of how other children learn to manage emotions. “But what if that doesn’t work?” he asked again.

Finally, I volunteered to dance with him, which changed our angry tones to giggles. “Mom, the best way to make me un-mad is to make me laugh,” he said. Sometimes it really helps to listen to our kids.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Stocking Up

Once the early days of morning sickness, constant worrying, medical tests, and the like were over, we started focusing on one of the more important aspects of pregnancy – Stocking Up. In preparation for my baby shower, I completed a baby registry with the invaluable assistance of a very knowledgeable friend who helped me filter through the true necessities versus the vast amounts of superfluous extras that are marketed to vulnerable new moms anxious to provide their new baby with “everything” he or she may need.

Registries are a female phenomenon. We are the ones who purchase most gifts for friends and family, and so we appreciate the convenience they provide to the gift buyer, as well as to the recipient. There are very few times in life where you can justify telling people what you want, and as materialistic and gauche as it may be, I’m all for it. The registry confidently says “Buy this for me”, while I get to pretend I am not rudely asking for presents. The request can be even more covert by leveraging new technology and letting the shower invitation do the talking - “go online and buy this for her!”

Most men don’t really understand. It seems to go against their conservative and practical natures. I think back to our wedding preparations, when I believed that the success of our relationship required that my husband and I register for our wedding gifts together. This led to a very limited registry list and a house full of crystal vases. I have since felt sinfully envious every time I buy wedding gifts for friends from their extensive registries that include everything from air conditioners to toothpicks.

So this time I took control (because frankly, the one thing my husband wants to shop for less than china and flatware is baby stuff). However, I did make one big mistake. In a weak, sappy, bonding moment, I chose to share the registry with my husband. Here’s how the conversation went:

Him: “What’s a bouncer seat?”
Me: “It’s a seat he can sit back in and bounce.”
Him: “Oh, it’s the thing you hang from the kitchen doorway?”
Me: “No, that’s the jumper”.
Him: “Oh, it’s the thing you carry the baby in?”
Me: “No, that’s the infant carrier”.
Him: “Oh. Does it rock?”
Me: “No, that’s the swing – it’s listed separately down there. You can feed a baby in a bouncer seat too”.
Him: “So why are you registered for a high chair?”
Me: “That’s for a later stage. The bouncer seat has lots of toys on it too, so
the baby can entertain himself”.
Him: “Then what’s the ‘stationary entertainment center’”.
Me: “He can sit in it and play with the toys attached to it”.
Him: “I thought that was what he does in the bouncer seat”.
Me: “Well, yeah…but that’s for an earlier stage.”

Him (with conviction): “It seems to me that we are going to have to move the baby every 20 minutes so that we make sure he gets to use all of these things! Take them off the registry!”

Me: “LISTEN!” (I say in a voice neither one of us has ever heard before, and which we both fear will be taking over this new mom), “I AM GOING TO BE THE ONE HOME WITH THIS BABY ALL DAY LONG – I WILL NEED WHATEVER I CAN GET TO KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED. Besides (returning to my normal, sweet wife voice), they’re all for different stages.”

Him: “Um, OK, yeah.”
Him (hesitantly): “Well….how about this ‘musical mobile’ for the crib? We don’t need that, right? Can we…um….take that off the registry?”

Me, conceding nicely to one of my husband’s requests, knowing full well that I can go back online tomorrow and add it back onto the registry: “Okay, fine. But you’re going to have to stand over the baby and hum him to sleep.”

[Note, during a later shopping spree, mother-in-law bought classical music mobile that husband is convinced will help our child become the Mozart of the 21st century, so no over-the-crib humming will be necessary.]