Calm Down!!!

Well, summer is just ending and I'm ready. I can't wait to get back to the routines of school - it's been a long time and my son and I have been spending a LOT of time together. Lately, we have found ourselves getting frustrated and irritated more easily and more often than usual. Recently, we were at an event and my son was upset that we couldn’t play certain games due to other coinciding activities. His frustration soon spiraled into a fit, and he took it out on me with uncharacteristically angry words.

As a therapist, I teach anger management skills to groups and individuals, but that doesn’t mean that I am always successful at using them myself. In this case, my first instinct was to scream “You do NOT talk to me that way!” But then my training finally kicked in at the right time, and I held my tongue. I knew that his intention was not to hurt me but simply to vent his anger (and perhaps to embarrass me enough so I might give in to his wishes to avoid a scene). I also realized that he was likely very frightened by the intensity of his emotions, and decided to keep my own level of intensity low so that he could bring his down as well.

I’ve noticed that we adults are more likely to recognize that we may be at fault in confrontations with other adults than when we lock horns with our children. Sometimes we forget that children have a right to their emotions and opinions, even if these opinions seem illogical or irrational. Our natural inclination is to negate them, give our kids the right facts, and expect the discussion to move on. But children don’t move on so quickly. They don’t see the limitations in reality that we know exist. They don’t understand the range of emotions that they may be experiencing simultaneously (many adults don’t either). So it is our job as parents to help our children learn to identify, cope with, and resolve their anger and any underlying emotions.

In our situation, my son was disappointed that he couldn’t play, and confused as to why. He was afraid that he would never get to play again, and frustrated when he thought I didn’t understand this. As he became more and more hysterical, I urged him to take a deep breath to help stop the downward spiral. But my child seems to believe that if I disagree with him, it is because I didn’t hear him. Taking a deep breath means he has to stop talking, which means he has to stop repeating his argument, leaving him vulnerable to loss. So if I want him to pause, I must reassure him that I hear what he wants but he still cannot have it.
Validating our children’s emotions and opinions is an important step to gaining their cooperation, and this is true for adults too. If we don’t feel understood, we will continue to plead our case rather than work towards a solution.

Now, recognizing that the emotions are okay does not mean excusing the bad behavior. We all have a right to feel angry, but we have a responsibility to resolve our anger in a safe and respectful way, even if the anger comes in response to another’s inappropriate actions. So, while we should acknowledge, “I know you are angry/frustrated/disappointed/etc.,” we can follow up with “but you cannot hit/kick/yell at me/etc in that disrespectful manner. Let me help you find another way to release your angry energy”.

When I said this to my son, he became invested in solving the problem. Note, it didn’t happen immediately – I had to repeat the statement several times (and keep myself calm as well) before he was ready to seek a solution. But the fact that I wasn’t screaming hysterically back at him helped him drop his defenses and begin to settle down.

“How can we release the angry energy?” he asked. I suggested physical releases like running around the yard, jumping up and down, doing karate chops and yells (in the air, not against another). “But what if that doesn’t work?” asked my pensive son. I suggested quiet playtime alone doing manual tasks like kneading Playdoh or drawing, or playing a children’s computer game. I offered up television shows like Dragon Tales or Caillou, which offer examples of how other children learn to manage emotions. “But what if that doesn’t work?” he asked again.

Finally, I volunteered to dance with him, which changed our angry tones to giggles. “Mom, the best way to make me un-mad is to make me laugh,” he said. Sometimes it really helps to listen to our kids.