Friday, April 1, 2011

Screen Time

My son started playing computer games as soon as he could move his fingers and sit up by himself. He was Mario for Halloween in 2007 at age four, just before the Wii reintroduced Super Mario Brothers to the masses, and well before anyone his age had heard of them. A month later he had a Pac-Man-themed birthday party with handmade décor that nobody recognized but the parents.

But now, Mario is mainstream, and instead of being a kid with a quirky hobby that his peers don’t understand, my son’s interests are finally conventional. I have seen how videogames and computer skills have augmented his creativity, self-confidence, and social development, but I still have a hard time getting past their bad reputation. Why is it that intense focus on computers is considered problematic while intense focus on sports (or most anything else) is good?

So it was with significant personal interest that I attended the Darien Library’s recent talk on kids and videogames, “Everything You Want To Know About Gaming But Were Afraid To Ask”.

Note, I didn’t go to cover this as a story, I have no connection with the speakers, and I am not putting forth anyone’s point of view here but my own. I was there purely as a parent in the technology age, wondering whether I have to continue to feel guilty about hosting playdates in front of the Wii.

The library panel addressed many of the usual concerns about game players, including perceived risks of increased aggression, medical problems (vision issues, seizures, obesity), and social isolation. But I came away with the same lessons we hear again and again in life: "Okay in moderation." and as parents: "Supervise, set limits, and enforce consequences."

It seems the general belief that violent games make violent boys isn’t so clear-cut. Much research focuses on children who play inappropriate games for excessive amounts of time and doesn’t consider environmental factors such as lack of parental supervision in general, which may in turn involve other factors like economics, education, or even parental addictions. Another forgotten element is the temperament of the child. Maybe aggressive kids choose aggressive games, not the other way around. These factors may combine to play a much larger role in leading to a child’s antisocial behavior than the actual video games.

So the panelists encouraged the audience to use ratings to help eliminate inappropriate games (e.g. Call of Duty is rated M for age 17 and up), and set time limits, especially if game-playing is eating up hours usually reserved for homework, extra-curricular activities, socializing, eating, or sleeping. I learned that we can set gaming systems to shut off after a certain amount of playtime or program computers to shut down at a certain time. And we can always unplug our router to eliminate internet access after bedtime. (Although according to 2010 data, the average gamer is a 34-year-old male who has been playing for 12 years – so it may be the husbands who object most to that last step!).

To address concerns of internet predators and cyberbullying, we can put parental controls and screening software on our computers, discuss risks with our children as appropriate, and review their usage to ensure they are not a victim or a bully.

I know it isn’t easy, but the goal is to help them navigate this world until they can make good choices on their own. Because at some point they will be on their own.

On the positive side, if responsibilities are complete and there is proper parental supervision, is it still so bad to spend one’s free time online? Maybe not, according to findings presented by the panelists and in educator James Gee’s recent book, What Video Games Have to Teach Us About Learning and Literacy. Game play has been shown to be a powerful way of learning that helps increase problem-solving abilities, creativity, adaptability, and resiliency. Additionally, like playground play, gaming is child-led, not adult-guided, which builds internal motivation and regulation skills.

In my son, I have seen an interesting shift from playing games to creating them – or at least thinking about creating them. He spends less of his time with controllers in hand and more on websites where he can build his own characters and watch and learn from others’ creations. Offline, he has become more comfortable drawing, writing, and role-playing since he has begun using the game characters as subjects, much like our generation may have done with Barbies or Superman.

Much of the time he spends staring at the screen is reading lengthy stories others have written about the game characters. When he asks me if this counts as his reading homework, I say no, but really, given the proliferation of electronic reading devices like the Kindle, shouldn’t it?

In my last column I wondered when my son would be motivated internally, what spark would drive him to put forth his best effort. But maybe I have been refusing to see that the spark is already there, because it is a fire I don’t understand. As one panelist said, this is our kids’ world. And it is going to get more technological, not less.

And so I ask myself, “What would Bill Gates’ mom do?”

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tiger Parents?

Lately there has been a lot of talk about the parenting style of now infamous mother Amy Chua, Yale law professor and author of the new book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” In her book, Ms. Chua describes raising her daughters using the “Chinese” style of parenting (her word, not mine) which is defined by a stern focus on achievement and success, especially in academic and musical endeavors, and the exclusion of social and non-academic activities such as playdates, sports, and video games.

The Wall Street Journal article that first brought widespread attention to Ms. Chua’s book was entitled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”, though Ms. Chua insists she did not choose the title, nor does she believe that her way is superior. In fact, she states her book is about the transformation in her parenting from the strict Chinese style to a more flexible blend of Eastern and Western approaches following the protests of her youngest daughter.

Regardless, the harsh treatment of Ms. Chua’s daughters described in the book elicited strong reactions from parents, academics, and the media alike.

Some of Ms. Chua’s most controversial mothering moments include when she returned her four-year-old’s handmade birthday card because it was not good enough, or made her seven-year-old practice a piano piece repeatedly, with no rest, food, water, or bathroom breaks, until she played it perfectly, or called her daughter “garbage” for speaking disrespectfully to her.

Judging from these extreme situations, it is easy to dismiss her parenting as flawed and mean-spirited, but underneath her methods is a philosophy that might be worth considering.

Central to her approach is the idea that children need to be pushed to achieve because otherwise they will resist the hard work necessary to master something, and it is only after such mastery that they can develop a love for what they are doing. In other words, a child cannot love doing something until they are good at it, but they won’t work hard enough to get good at it on their own. Practice-practice-practice leads to excellence, which leads to praise and admiration, which builds confidence and spurs an eagerness to continue working. I can see the logic in that.

Another core premise of Ms. Chua’s methods is the belief that her children are inherently strong enough to handle her demands, and that ultimately the resulting accomplishment will build their self-esteem more than any negative words along the way will hurt it.

I know that is how my (non-Chinese) parents were raised as well, though it is in stark contrast to the prevailing “Western” belief that a child’s fragile psyche can be easily harmed through criticism. (Though it’s worth noting that our generation’s overinvolved, coddling parenting style has been found by more than one researcher to be doing more damage to self-esteem than good.)

I have recently began to wonder when my son’s motivation to succeed will shift from external (rewards, punishment) to internal (own sense of accomplishment, pride). At age eight, he is entering the period that psychologist Erik Erikson defined as a struggle between industry and inferiority, between being hard-working and industrious and feeling worthless and destructive. In this phase, self-esteem is built through doing, achieving, and figuring things out, not by talking about it. In many ways, Ms. Chua’s philosophy recognizes this. She forced her daughters to do until they succeed; she didn’t spend hours discussing how they are still special even if they cannot complete the task.

In a recent discussion with Ms. Chua, former Harvard president Larry Summers repeated a question he posed often to his faculty when encouraging them to push their students harder. Does self-esteem lead to accomplishment or does accomplishment lead to self-esteem? While the Western parenting style seems to favor the former, Mr. Summers echoed Ms. Chua when he argued for the latter, though he did not agree with her methods for getting there.

He also questioned what “accomplishment” really is, noting that some of Harvard’s most successful graduates are the ones who dropped out (e.g., Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg). Based on his experience, Mr. Summers stated that it is the C students, not the A students, that build wings onto campus buildings with their vast earnings. Other critics of Ms. Chua noted that pushing for excellence in traditional areas such as high grades may be a perfect way to raise a great follower, but a leader must be able to think outside the box, question boundaries, and break some rules.

When it comes to parenting, there will always be judgments, disagreements, and critiques. I don’t necessarily agree with Ms. Chua’s methods, but I can’t argue with her when she says parenting is “about helping your children be the best they can be – which is usually better than they think!”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Get Some Sleep!

Scientists recently completed a study that proved that people look better when they have had a solid eight hours sleep versus when they are sleep-deprived. Really? They needed to spend money on a research study to prove that? They could just come to my house. Time lapse photography would show a steady increase in the pigment under my eyes, the frizz in my hair and the general frazzled nature of my appearance since I have become a parent of two.

Right now I am writing about sleep because it is all I can think about. I eat, drink and sleep, sleep. Because I can’t remember how long it has been since I have had a good night’s sleep. (Lack of sleep affects your memory, you know.)

I thought I was done with sleepless nights once my youngest stopped nursing every two hours and started sleeping through the night. But lately it seems one won’t go to sleep and the other won’t stay asleep or vice versa, so every night is disturbed.

After struggling with sleep issues with child number one (like many first-time parents), I was determined to be strong with my second child no matter how much crying out had to be done. I was, and she was great about going to sleep and staying asleep for much of her short life. But recently illness and vacation combined to shake the routine. My sick toddler reached out to be held and coddled as she snuffled her way to sleep before being placed in an unfamiliar crib, and we did it just so we could make it through our time away. We all know what happened next. She refuses to give up the pleasure of being rocked to sleep, and I don’t have the heart to let her cry it out as she continues to struggle with cold and cough.

To top it off, a few times a week she has been waking up during the night and staying up for hours. One day it was 11 pm until 3 am. Another it was 3 am until 11 am! Later in the morning of the 3 am wakeup call, we sat watching Sesame Street together. As some sort of cosmic joke, the subject for that morning’s Elmo’s World just happened to be “sleep”. As Elmo shouted, “Elmo’s thinking about sleep today!” I thought, “Me too, Elmo. Me too!”

Apparently others are thinking a lot about sleep as well. I recently opened a Sunday magazine to see “Go Back To Bed” listed as one of the top ten suggestions for a successful new year. The next day the AAA newsletter landed in my mailbox with the headline “Before driving, get your Z’s”. The article stated that 2 out of 5 drivers admit to having fallen asleep at the wheel at some point (with 1 in 10 experiencing this in the past year), which is pretty scary to think about. It reminded me of a moment I had in the car just a few days ago, when I found myself on a street with little memory of getting there. I remembered getting off the highway and waiting several cars back from a red light, but I couldn’t recall actually getting to the intersection and choosing a direction to turn, which explained why I found myself on the wrong street after having turned the wrong way. I’m just glad I was on the right side of the road.

Lack of sleep can be a danger to us on the road and off. It affects memory and concentration, slows reaction time, increases risk for heart disease and stroke, fosters a desire for higher-calorie foods, and negatively affects your mood and ability to handle stress and anxiety (just ask my family) among other things.

So, as the start of the year ushers in my usual list of resolutions – eat better, exercise more, get organized, get together with friends more often – I am first resolving to make rest a priority because otherwise none of those other things will get done. And as one doctor put it, “There is no substitute for sleep but sleep.”

Apparently, I should have kicked off my resolution on January 3rd, which is “Festival of Sleep Day”. But it was also the first weekday after Christmas vacation, so I don’t think many people were sleeping in that day. Sounds like poor planning – probably done by somebody who was sleep-deprived and forgot to look at the calendar.