After attending what was probably my sixth lecture in two years on keeping our children safe from cyberbullies, cyberscams, and violent and sexual images, something in me just snapped. As parents, we often find ourselves in auditoriums listening to people telling us how to cushion our kids from the content they can barely avoid. But why don’t we attack the content?
It wasn’t that long ago when there were limits enforced in the entertainment industry to protect children and families. Mature television shows were on late or on premium channels. Foul language was minimized. R-ratings were actually enforced. But now thanks to decreases in regulation and increases in technology, it seems impossible to shield our children from inappropriate content.
And so, the already extensive job of parenting has grown exponentially harder. The work-life balance now includes the challenge of finding time to review our kids’ facebook pages, instagram accounts, emails, texts and online chats; install parental controls on computers, phones and televisions; attend cybersafety seminars and monitor all viewing activity; and repeatedly counter powerful negative media messages with our positive, value-based beliefs.
What if we used all the time and energy we spend trying to intercept and deflect messages to fight back against the corporations that continue to create and promote the mass of material that glorifies graphic violence and sexuality and exploits the addictive and unquestioning nature of our kids?
I was an advertising executive and I am a heavy consumer of pop culture, so I feel like I come to this argument from an honest place. I am not naïve or prude, but content has pushed the limits so far that one does not have to be very conservative to take issue. When we cheer for women who aggressively attack their “friends”, flipping tables and pulling hair, why are we startled by statistics showing violence among girls nearing the level of that among boys? When we make psychotic “jokers” and serial killers the most entertaining and cunning film characters, why are we shocked when someone seeks attention with a similar real-life crime? When guns are waved flippantly and used without a second thought by pop culture icons, why are we surprised when our youth does the same?
There are teams of people involved with producing and marketing a game, movie, or television show. Creators, producers, editors, network executives, advertisers, some of whom I am certain are parents. I beg them to think about what they are putting forth to our kids, to our society. Are they so driven by the dollar that they are willing to give up civility? To perpetuate a world in which we seek power through violence, glorify bad behavior, and respect only ourselves rather than foster a safe and supportive community where our children can achieve honest success? Why are they appealing to the base of human nature rather than aspiring to its greatest potential?
I was encouraged by this week’s editorial in Entertainment Weekly in which managing editor Jess Cagle openly questioned his role in perpetuating the problem. “We are a nation obsessed with guns and gore, and all of us play a role in making it so,” he stated. “…when I help keep a violent show on the air – by watching it or by celebrating it in EW – what is my responsibility if that show contributes to a sadistic culture or inspires one unhinged person to do something awful?” As media consumers, none of us can ignore that our support of these entertainment vehicles helps perpetuate their messages.
We need to rise up not just against guns, but against our culture of violence. We need to say NO to television shows that promote angry, violent, out-of-control behavior, NO to graphic violence on screen, NO to huge salaries for entertainers who sing about abusing their girls and killing their rivals. We need to share stories of people behaving well, instead of rewarding people with incessant media attention when they behave badly. We need to support those who act selflessly instead glorifying those who are in it for themselves.
Will children still play and purchase video games that are not graphically violent? If the games are entertaining and challenging, I think they will. Will audiences still watch television shows and films that do not compete to use the worst language, shock with the goriest crime, or show the most skin? If the stories are engaging and well-written, I think they will.
Perhaps the entertainment companies should have some faith in their consumers and compete for the best quality, not the biggest shock value. Then maybe they can put forth what they want the world to be, not what it is.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Control Freak
This is my first column of the new year, and so I feel like I should be writing about making resolutions, getting a fresh start, or becoming a whole new me, but I don’t really want to. First of all, I have never seen a resolution through to completion, and it just makes me feel bad when I realize in April that I have only three daily journal entries, have gained 5 pounds, and have yet to finish the scrapbook I started in 2006. Secondly, I have been a student or parent for about three-quarters of my life, so I run on a school year, not a calendar year. I like to start in September, not January, and end on the high note of summer, not in a post-holiday slump.
It’s not that I don’t have many behaviors I want to change – I do, believe me I do (and my family could probably come up with a few more). Improve my diet, exercise, find greater job satisfaction, compliment more and complain less, and so on. But when I really think about it, the one thing that causes me the most aggravation on a daily basis is my need for control, for everything to be in its place, for everything to go as I plan.
I was always very organized, timely, and proactive when I was just responsible for myself. But now that there are four of us to manage, the inability to keep everything under control is taking a toll on this control freak.
They say we teach people how to treat us, and I have taught my family that Mom will take care of everything. I am the planner, the finder, the fixer, the creator, and supplier for the whole family. And when I can’t plan or find or fix or create or supply, my family complains. Then I get mad at them because I feel unappreciated for all the times I succeeded at these jobs in the past. But I am also upset with myself, because I failed.
While I crave the control, I don’t actually like it. I get annoyed in the morning watching my kids play while I run around gathering clothes, making breakfast and lunch, packing backpacks, and watching the clock. But then I scoff at my son when he wants to bring something unconventional to school. I dread family trips when I am responsible for planning, packing, tickets, directions, snacks, etc. But I get more irritated when the others jump in and unpack my precisely-packed bags to fit in more plush toys or different clothes, or put in leaky, perishable snacks, or poorly-packaged toys that spill little parts throughout our luggage.
So though I resent my job as controller, I also discourage my family from being responsible for themselves. When someone else steps in, instead of praising them for what they did, I often hear myself regretting what I did not.
Why can’t I let go? The surface answer is that by doing it all myself, things are usually done “right” and we avoid the consequences of an incomplete job. But if I am going to be honest and year-end-reflective, I think the real reason I hold on is because if I am not the planner, finder, fixer, creator, and supplier, then I don’t know who I am. If I let my family take care of their own needs, I’ll have to say goodbye to the martyr in me that loves to say, “I always have to plan/find/fix everything around here!” (I don’t like her, but I’m kind of attached.) I’m afraid I may become unnecessary, or even more afraid that if I am free to take care of my own needs, I may have to figure out what they are.
When I look, I see my kids have given me many opportunities to let go. My four-year-old wants to do everything herself but I often intervene. My son surprises me by maturing past old attitudes and needs that I unintentionally fight to maintain. When I let them go, they do pretty well. Sure they make mistakes, and messes, and forget things, and take their frustration out on me as they maneuver through the learning curve. But I have to toughen up to these growing pains and consider them just steps on the road to freedom – for all of us.
So my goal for 2013 is to learn to let go. But to my family, I won’t call it a resolution. I’m calling it a warning.
It’s not that I don’t have many behaviors I want to change – I do, believe me I do (and my family could probably come up with a few more). Improve my diet, exercise, find greater job satisfaction, compliment more and complain less, and so on. But when I really think about it, the one thing that causes me the most aggravation on a daily basis is my need for control, for everything to be in its place, for everything to go as I plan.
I was always very organized, timely, and proactive when I was just responsible for myself. But now that there are four of us to manage, the inability to keep everything under control is taking a toll on this control freak.
They say we teach people how to treat us, and I have taught my family that Mom will take care of everything. I am the planner, the finder, the fixer, the creator, and supplier for the whole family. And when I can’t plan or find or fix or create or supply, my family complains. Then I get mad at them because I feel unappreciated for all the times I succeeded at these jobs in the past. But I am also upset with myself, because I failed.
While I crave the control, I don’t actually like it. I get annoyed in the morning watching my kids play while I run around gathering clothes, making breakfast and lunch, packing backpacks, and watching the clock. But then I scoff at my son when he wants to bring something unconventional to school. I dread family trips when I am responsible for planning, packing, tickets, directions, snacks, etc. But I get more irritated when the others jump in and unpack my precisely-packed bags to fit in more plush toys or different clothes, or put in leaky, perishable snacks, or poorly-packaged toys that spill little parts throughout our luggage.
So though I resent my job as controller, I also discourage my family from being responsible for themselves. When someone else steps in, instead of praising them for what they did, I often hear myself regretting what I did not.
Why can’t I let go? The surface answer is that by doing it all myself, things are usually done “right” and we avoid the consequences of an incomplete job. But if I am going to be honest and year-end-reflective, I think the real reason I hold on is because if I am not the planner, finder, fixer, creator, and supplier, then I don’t know who I am. If I let my family take care of their own needs, I’ll have to say goodbye to the martyr in me that loves to say, “I always have to plan/find/fix everything around here!” (I don’t like her, but I’m kind of attached.) I’m afraid I may become unnecessary, or even more afraid that if I am free to take care of my own needs, I may have to figure out what they are.
When I look, I see my kids have given me many opportunities to let go. My four-year-old wants to do everything herself but I often intervene. My son surprises me by maturing past old attitudes and needs that I unintentionally fight to maintain. When I let them go, they do pretty well. Sure they make mistakes, and messes, and forget things, and take their frustration out on me as they maneuver through the learning curve. But I have to toughen up to these growing pains and consider them just steps on the road to freedom – for all of us.
So my goal for 2013 is to learn to let go. But to my family, I won’t call it a resolution. I’m calling it a warning.
Christmas "PEAR"
I love my family - immediate and extended, but let’s face it: While one of the best things about the holidays can be spending time with family, this can also be one of the most stressful. Family members have spent years studying each other’s buttons and learning just how to push them for maximum impact. Visions of perfect storybook celebrations may keep everyone on their best behavior for a while, but the suppression of negative emotions doesn’t always last, especially when mixed with high expectations, long days, decreased sleep, and increased alcohol intake.
“Plan ahead” is the catchphrase of the holiday season, with lifestyle gurus in the media offering a more enjoyable experience via the use of schedules, lists, family chore charts, and multi-sized baskets. But we often forget that it is as important to prepare for the emotional side of the holidays as for the practical side. After all, it is usually negative emotional experiences that cloud our holiday memories. We may be able to laugh about burned roasts or forgotten stocking stuffers, but it is harder to dismiss a sibling’s nasty comment about our parenting skills or an uncle’s drunken commentary on our lifestyle choices.
When helping clients manage stress and anger, I use a simple acronym, PEAR, which I’ll pretend I created in honor of the proverbial “pear tree” within which the holiday partridge sits. At least that should make it easy to remember through the upcoming twelve days of Christmas vacation.
P is for “plan” or “prepare”: Our closest family members may know best how to push our buttons, but they didn’t put them there. We are each responsible for minimizing or removing our own buttons so they cannot be pushed, so first we need to know what they are.
Think about your anger triggers. What behaviors or phrases get to you? What are the underlying themes? Are you especially sensitive to being disrespected, talked down to, criticized? Do you get upset when others challenge or compete with you? Can you tolerate different opinions? Be honest with yourself, because the only way you can remove your triggers is to confront them.
If you don’t know, tune in to your body. When we are upset, there are often physical indications – rise in body temperature, shortness of breath, louder or faster talking, sweaty or shaky hands. If you still don’t know, ask your children or spouse. I’ll bet they can tell you what bothers you and what you look like when you are mad.
Once you have identified your triggers, the goal is to be able to recognize when you are starting to get agitated and choose more positive responses. Or get away.
E is for Escape: We can’t always eliminate stressful situations from our lives, but we can develop an escape plan to be executed when necessary. If you are in a group setting, be aware of the actual exit doors. If there is a person or topic that is especially difficult for you, enlist a partner you can signal to rescue you from an extended conversation. If you have a full house, take a breather away from company and do something on your own to recharge.
A is for Avoid: Someone who has just ended a relationship may want to pass on events that their ex may attend. Someone who is struggling with sobriety might avoid holiday parties where alcohol may be flowing. Even at home, if there is a particular guest who always drinks too much and acts out, lock the vodka in the liquor cabinet during their stay.
R is for Relax or Resolve: Simple techniques may seem corny, but it is true that a few deep breaths can interrupt the cycle of anger and help minimize the instinctive reactions we later regret. Come up with a few key phrases to calm yourself like “I don’t have to win this one,” “She’s entitled to her opinion”, or “This is not about me” to put the situation back in perspective and help you regain control. The short-term goal is to relax in the moment, but these skills can also help us resolve issues in the long-term by changing the way we think about them overall.
This year, following the recent tragedy in Newtown and the devastating Fall storms, many of us are more on edge than usual. There may be sensitivities where before there were none – concerns about loss and recovery, financial worries, fears that may cause sleeplessness for us or our children. Try to find some quiet time to reflect on your own family and consider what old, new, and possibly unexpected issues may arise this year. Then prepare yourself so that your twelve days of Christmas vacation can end with a rousing chorus.
Happy holidays!
“Plan ahead” is the catchphrase of the holiday season, with lifestyle gurus in the media offering a more enjoyable experience via the use of schedules, lists, family chore charts, and multi-sized baskets. But we often forget that it is as important to prepare for the emotional side of the holidays as for the practical side. After all, it is usually negative emotional experiences that cloud our holiday memories. We may be able to laugh about burned roasts or forgotten stocking stuffers, but it is harder to dismiss a sibling’s nasty comment about our parenting skills or an uncle’s drunken commentary on our lifestyle choices.
When helping clients manage stress and anger, I use a simple acronym, PEAR, which I’ll pretend I created in honor of the proverbial “pear tree” within which the holiday partridge sits. At least that should make it easy to remember through the upcoming twelve days of Christmas vacation.
P is for “plan” or “prepare”: Our closest family members may know best how to push our buttons, but they didn’t put them there. We are each responsible for minimizing or removing our own buttons so they cannot be pushed, so first we need to know what they are.
Think about your anger triggers. What behaviors or phrases get to you? What are the underlying themes? Are you especially sensitive to being disrespected, talked down to, criticized? Do you get upset when others challenge or compete with you? Can you tolerate different opinions? Be honest with yourself, because the only way you can remove your triggers is to confront them.
If you don’t know, tune in to your body. When we are upset, there are often physical indications – rise in body temperature, shortness of breath, louder or faster talking, sweaty or shaky hands. If you still don’t know, ask your children or spouse. I’ll bet they can tell you what bothers you and what you look like when you are mad.
Once you have identified your triggers, the goal is to be able to recognize when you are starting to get agitated and choose more positive responses. Or get away.
E is for Escape: We can’t always eliminate stressful situations from our lives, but we can develop an escape plan to be executed when necessary. If you are in a group setting, be aware of the actual exit doors. If there is a person or topic that is especially difficult for you, enlist a partner you can signal to rescue you from an extended conversation. If you have a full house, take a breather away from company and do something on your own to recharge.
A is for Avoid: Someone who has just ended a relationship may want to pass on events that their ex may attend. Someone who is struggling with sobriety might avoid holiday parties where alcohol may be flowing. Even at home, if there is a particular guest who always drinks too much and acts out, lock the vodka in the liquor cabinet during their stay.
R is for Relax or Resolve: Simple techniques may seem corny, but it is true that a few deep breaths can interrupt the cycle of anger and help minimize the instinctive reactions we later regret. Come up with a few key phrases to calm yourself like “I don’t have to win this one,” “She’s entitled to her opinion”, or “This is not about me” to put the situation back in perspective and help you regain control. The short-term goal is to relax in the moment, but these skills can also help us resolve issues in the long-term by changing the way we think about them overall.
This year, following the recent tragedy in Newtown and the devastating Fall storms, many of us are more on edge than usual. There may be sensitivities where before there were none – concerns about loss and recovery, financial worries, fears that may cause sleeplessness for us or our children. Try to find some quiet time to reflect on your own family and consider what old, new, and possibly unexpected issues may arise this year. Then prepare yourself so that your twelve days of Christmas vacation can end with a rousing chorus.
Happy holidays!
Extreme To Do List
I know it sounds cliché, but it feels like I just put away last year’s holiday decorations and here I am bringing them back out again. (Truth be told, I actually did just put them away in August after having originally shoved them in a closet in January.)
Regardless, the calendar says it is time to get ready for another holiday season, which to me means it’s time for the “Extreme To-Do List”. Unlike the rest of the year, the “Extreme To-Do List” contains my regular to-do list overlaid with multiple additional to-do lists. Gift lists, grocery lists, guest lists, packing lists. Lists separated by family, friends, school, and work. Sometimes I feel like my list is longer than Santa’s.
There is something gratifying about crossing an item off the list as it gets done. However, my list is a bit too malleable this year. I find I’m adding to it as fast as I cross out, supplementing my organized columns with scribbles in every free space, so by the end of the day, my list is an illegible mess and “rewrite to-do list” becomes another entry.
Today, while driving to yet another superstore, listening to the newest rendition of “Santa Baby”, I passed a van that was advertising “Virtual Assistants”. For an instant, the thought of hiring someone to do my “to-do’s” was quite enticing. But then I realized I would have to make a “to-do” list for them, and by the time I finished that, I probably could have completed half of the tasks myself.
The alterations in our usual weekly schedules also clutter the list. Year-end performances and holiday events require advanced preparations. Preschool ends a week earlier than public school, filling previously empty morning hours. Half-days drastically alter afternoon schedules. (By the way, what’s with the week of half-days for elementary parent-teacher conferences right after the short Thanksgiving week? Don’t they know we need those holiday kick-off hours to get the best deals at ToysRUs?).
As a result, I have had to start writing out everything that has to be done not just daily, but hour by hour, otherwise something or somebody is going to be forgotten. I knew it was really getting bad when I added “take a shower” to my list.
As for holiday decorating, we have condensed our preparations by using a fake tree, which goes up fully lit in minutes. I am a little embarrassed to admit this, as I feel bad about losing the family tradition associated with a real tree. You know, getting everyone bundled up to go out in the freezing cold to buy the tree, struggling to get it on the car, struggling to get it off the car, struggling to get it in the door, struggling to shorten the trunk when it doesn’t stand up, passing the lights around the back of the tree as the branches hit us in the face, watering the tree, vacuuming up the needles after we forget to water it, vacuuming up the needles after the kids pull off the ornaments, vacuuming up the needles after we drag the dead tree through the house well past the end of the season . . . . Oh wait, I don’t really feel that bad. A few pine-scented candles and we’ll be good.
Thanks to the early Thanksgiving, we got a head start this year, but with young kids that doesn’t always help. Their fun comes mostly from undoing any decorating that we have done (under the guise of “playing”). Every day, my three- year-old wants to take the ornaments off the tree and redecorate it. I try to keep the fragile ornaments up high so she can play with the ones she can reach, but the other day, I noticed a chair had been pulled up alongside the tree, clearly part of what could have been a very bad situation that must have been going on while I was tackling something on my to-do list more fun than “supervise children”.
I actually don’t mind many of the holiday tasks when you take out the inconveniences of crowds, parking, and the like. But because they are dropped on top of my regular usually unfinished to-do list, it can sometimes get overwhelming, and I don’t always react well.
I dream of creating holidays filled with special family traditions, but sometimes I worry that the only tradition I’m passing on to my kids is that of Mom losing it by December 15th. I can only hope my kids will possess rose-colored memories with my crazy behavior forgotten, or maybe they will remember my micromanaging as a fun little piece of our family life: “Remember when Mom went nuts when we ripped up her to-do list? Ha Ha, good times.”
Regardless, the calendar says it is time to get ready for another holiday season, which to me means it’s time for the “Extreme To-Do List”. Unlike the rest of the year, the “Extreme To-Do List” contains my regular to-do list overlaid with multiple additional to-do lists. Gift lists, grocery lists, guest lists, packing lists. Lists separated by family, friends, school, and work. Sometimes I feel like my list is longer than Santa’s.
There is something gratifying about crossing an item off the list as it gets done. However, my list is a bit too malleable this year. I find I’m adding to it as fast as I cross out, supplementing my organized columns with scribbles in every free space, so by the end of the day, my list is an illegible mess and “rewrite to-do list” becomes another entry.
Today, while driving to yet another superstore, listening to the newest rendition of “Santa Baby”, I passed a van that was advertising “Virtual Assistants”. For an instant, the thought of hiring someone to do my “to-do’s” was quite enticing. But then I realized I would have to make a “to-do” list for them, and by the time I finished that, I probably could have completed half of the tasks myself.
The alterations in our usual weekly schedules also clutter the list. Year-end performances and holiday events require advanced preparations. Preschool ends a week earlier than public school, filling previously empty morning hours. Half-days drastically alter afternoon schedules. (By the way, what’s with the week of half-days for elementary parent-teacher conferences right after the short Thanksgiving week? Don’t they know we need those holiday kick-off hours to get the best deals at ToysRUs?).
As a result, I have had to start writing out everything that has to be done not just daily, but hour by hour, otherwise something or somebody is going to be forgotten. I knew it was really getting bad when I added “take a shower” to my list.
As for holiday decorating, we have condensed our preparations by using a fake tree, which goes up fully lit in minutes. I am a little embarrassed to admit this, as I feel bad about losing the family tradition associated with a real tree. You know, getting everyone bundled up to go out in the freezing cold to buy the tree, struggling to get it on the car, struggling to get it off the car, struggling to get it in the door, struggling to shorten the trunk when it doesn’t stand up, passing the lights around the back of the tree as the branches hit us in the face, watering the tree, vacuuming up the needles after we forget to water it, vacuuming up the needles after the kids pull off the ornaments, vacuuming up the needles after we drag the dead tree through the house well past the end of the season . . . . Oh wait, I don’t really feel that bad. A few pine-scented candles and we’ll be good.
Thanks to the early Thanksgiving, we got a head start this year, but with young kids that doesn’t always help. Their fun comes mostly from undoing any decorating that we have done (under the guise of “playing”). Every day, my three- year-old wants to take the ornaments off the tree and redecorate it. I try to keep the fragile ornaments up high so she can play with the ones she can reach, but the other day, I noticed a chair had been pulled up alongside the tree, clearly part of what could have been a very bad situation that must have been going on while I was tackling something on my to-do list more fun than “supervise children”.
I actually don’t mind many of the holiday tasks when you take out the inconveniences of crowds, parking, and the like. But because they are dropped on top of my regular usually unfinished to-do list, it can sometimes get overwhelming, and I don’t always react well.
I dream of creating holidays filled with special family traditions, but sometimes I worry that the only tradition I’m passing on to my kids is that of Mom losing it by December 15th. I can only hope my kids will possess rose-colored memories with my crazy behavior forgotten, or maybe they will remember my micromanaging as a fun little piece of our family life: “Remember when Mom went nuts when we ripped up her to-do list? Ha Ha, good times.”
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