Mad World

I cannot process the unending stream of stories about violent reactions in our everyday lives that seems to be hitting the airwaves.

Not too long ago, we were complaining about too much violence in the movies or on video games, worrying about its effects on our children and citing rash extreme situations like Columbine. But now it seems every day there is a new story about regular violence between ordinary people who seem simply to have not learned how to handle anger and frustration, and resort to aggressive words and actions as a result.

We have seen fights among rowdy sports fans before, but this year we saw a fight in the stands at the US Open, usually a model of calm decorum (at least off the courts!). Then a girl fight on YouTube which was not only witnessed and cheered by schoolmates, but by one of the girl’s mothers as well (she was later arrested for child abuse). Not to mention the New Jersey “Housewives” and other television personalities who demonstrate their frustration by toppling tables at dinner parties, screaming through country clubs, and pulling out hair extensions.

Of course, when it is on “reality television” we say it is staged - they are doing it for the show, but what about when it is in reality?

I would argue that the omnipresence of camera phones and the immediacy of the internet have exacerbated the problem, not to mention the need for programming on the multitude of 24-hour news channels. With society’s emphasis on fame regardless of its source, it seems that everyone is performing in a way. The participants in these explosions become “celebrities” in their own right. And every time we see these events, despite the discussion around them, it reinforces these actions as a reasonable choice.

And what about the voyeurs? What does it say about human nature that gangs of kids gather round and not only witness or cheer on, as in schoolyard fights in past generations, but actually film and upload the event for others to view repeatedly. Who will take the responsibility to stop these incidents when there is so much to be made from their occurrence?

In spite of all our technological development and the racks of self-help books, it seems that our society is getting angrier and angrier. Yes, it may be partly due to the increased stress of the economic times we live in, as well as our busy overstretched lifestyles and separation from extended family support systems. But I think much of it has to do with the ever-increasing focus our society places on the individual. Our appearance, our success, our achievements, our possessions help create an environment of self-centeredness where each person feels entitled to self-defense at any cost. Every action, behavior, or statement is taken personally and deserves a response, and if it is unflattering, there must be a defensive reply.

But that self-centeredness is based on an illusion. Guess what. Not everything that happens to us is about us. And though we may sometimes believe “she made me” or “I had to”, violence is not a necessity, it is a choice.

We do not have to respond to every insult or hit back against every strike, physically or verbally. Most of human behavior is about the one behaving, not the one receiving. So, when somebody insults us, it is not their words but rather our response that reflects on us. Those who can extricate themselves from conflict in a calm, controlled manner ultimately appear a lot stronger than those who fly towards it with swinging fists.

It is imperative that we teach our children that they do not have to respond to aggression with aggression. That it is stronger and “cooler” to walk away than to end up glorified on YouTube. We must teach them conflict-resolution, problem-solving, and relaxation skills. And most of all, we must teach them to reconsider how they think about another’s actions. Changing negative self-talk, like “I must win,” “I can’t let her disrespect me,” or “I will look bad if I don’t defend myself” to more positive thoughts such as “He can say what he wants, I know I’m cool,” “It is not worth fighting over this,” or “This is her problem not mine” is a critical step to changing our reactions from base instinct to thoughtful response.

Of course, before we can teach our kids, we have to learn this ourselves. Give it a try. I think you’ll feel a lot better.

Hallow-Whine

Three days until Halloween and the truth is, I can’t wait until it’s over. I may be egged for saying this but I hate Halloween. To me the holiday is more stressful than Christmas. It’s not the fear of evil spirits, or the arachnophobic reactions I have to the giant spiders hanging over neighborhood windows, or even the ushering in of candy season (to be followed by birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter). It is the pressure of costuming.

By the time you read this, I will probably be on the brink of an all-nighter to create a Halloween costume for my child so that he will not have to attend his school Halloween parade dressed as, well, a second-grader. It’s not that I create elaborate, imaginative, amazing costumes with hard to find accessories or intricate detailing. It’s just that we can’t seem to agree on an idea until time is running out.

I’ve already asked him to go as a Cub Scout, kung fu fighter, or something else he already has a “costume” for, but he’s on to me, and wasn’t going to be conned into wearing a uniform, even if he could be a black belt for the night.

We went through all the catalogs and walked countless store aisles, but nothing excited him. You see, my child is a little unconventional, so the mainstream characters don’t interest him. For the record, once he was a “Dead End” sign.

Even when his interests coincide directly with popular culture, his approach is from the side. For example, he loves Mario Brothers, but he has no interest in dressing as Mario, a costume both easy to create and easy to purchase. Instead, he wants to dress up as an obscure bad guy from those video games, which are odd-shaped creatures that don’t conform to conventional costuming materials. Believe me, I know. [Note that he actually did dress as Mario when he was three, when Mario himself was obscure - known only to other parents before the Wii introduced the character to his generation.] I suppose I should admire his unique style, but this time of year, I wish he had a thing for Buzz Lightyear, Luke Skywalker, or even Scooby Doo.

And frankly, I am terrible at coming up with costume ideas for my children or myself. While I’m always up for a night out, invitations to Halloween parties fill me with dread as I can never quite get a costume right. Store-bought ideas usually involve fishnet stockings and skimpy clothes, which is not my style. And couple ideas usually involve my reluctant husband who is even more resistant to dressing up than I am. My default costume used to be a hippie or clown – both of which involve nothing more than finding the right combination of family clothing and a little makeup. But now, my husband and I fight over our one official NFL jersey or the scrubs he got at the hospital when our youngest was born.

I am also a little scared of people in costume, which I guess is a little similar to people who have an aversion to clowns. Sure, I smile watching adorable parades of princesses and super heroes at school and seeing the shy toddlers taking their first costumed steps for candy outside my door. But I flinch when I see gangs of kids running up the walk, or open the door to face Scream masks, especially when I notice that my supply of candy is running dangerously low.

Perhaps it stems back to my own Halloween nightmares, the most memorable of which occurred in sixth grade. A friend and I were ending our trick or treating, heading home with bags full of candy and giggling together as girls will do, when three older boys dressed in black jumped out from the trees and grabbed us. I got away, but my friend’s sandwich board costume was torn apart and her candy stolen, and both of us were shaken up after an unexpected attack in what had previously been the unconditional comfort of our childhood neighborhood.

Later in high school, the memory of an unidentified masked man weaving through a party still haunts me, not to mention similar experiences at large metropolitan parades during my college and adult years.

This year, I tried to get ahead of the holiday, inspired by my daughter’s Elmo obsession to buy us all Sesame Street themed shirts. But I wasn’t able to find one for my husband, and besides, t-shirts don’t really make a costume. However, my family has decided that mine is just perfect , so for Halloween this year I’ll be…….Oscar the Grouch.