What makes me powerful?
Have you ever asked yourself this question? If so, you may have focused on external things, such as economic status, physical strength, or social connections. These are the power sources that are most outwardly valued in our society, and they tend to be the ones most often abused in unhealthy relationships. But these superficial power sources can be easily shaken -- through job loss, accidents, health issues, relocation. For some it is very hard to recover from the resulting powerless feeling.
So it becomes important to identify our internal sources of power, which are actually more stable and long-term. We can ask ourselves, “Who am I?”, “What keeps me moving forward?”, and “What power will I draw on if my external power sources disappear?”
Recently, I was struggling with these questions myself, as frankly, my external power sources are virtually null. I could identify my internal power as sourced from education, not just book learning, but, more importantly, experiences that have informed me about other cultures, taught me about the consequences of my actions, and provided me with some level of “street smarts”. I know I have the power to make my own choices, not always about what happens to me, but about how I react to these things. And I have personal power through privileges I have worked to obtain and to keep, like my driver’s license, passport, jobs, and even this column.
But what makes me powerful in my family? That was more difficult to answer. Yes, I am the “female head of household” and the mother, which should inherently make me feel powerful but doesn’t. I am not the strongest, I am not the breadwinner, I don’t have the type of dynamic personality or decisiveness that compels people to follow my lead, and to date, “Because I’m your mother, that’s why!” has not gotten a lot of results.
But I do set the tone in my house, like it or not, and I realized that when my children go out in the world, they are reflections of my power. As a parent, my greatest power comes from my influence, arguably one of the strongest potential sources of power around.
In an adult relationship, it takes time to understand that we cannot change our partners, but can only influence them with our own actions and reactions. We may expect to be able to force changes more easily in our children because they are younger, smaller, and “ours”, but at a certain point it becomes clear that these too are separate people that cannot be made to behave a certain way or to believe a certain thing. Even with children, our primary source of power is our influence. And our primary source of influence is our own actions.
We may believe that punishments and rewards exert a whole lot of influence, but unless our behavior reflects the same values we are trying to teach, the message will ultimately be lost. Remember the saying, “Do what I say, not what I do”? Well, good luck with that. As parents, our actions are infinitely more powerful than our words.
Our children will not learn respect if we are disrespecttful to others. They will not stop hitting if they see us hit. They will use mean words if they hear our gossip. They will continue to connect drinking with social acceptance if they see us over-indulging at social functions. They learn from watching us.
We may not even be aware of those times when we are having the greatest influence on our family. Who doesn’t remember a time when their loved ones picked up on a negative attitude even when we thought we were hiding behind a grin of deceit? My son can tell when I am not tuned in to his latest video game antics, even when I am physically watching. The kids hear me give an involuntary sigh in the car, even when it is inaudible to me. My husband picks up on the sarcasm in my voice when I say I’m “just kidding”. Just this morning my daughter asked, “Why are you mad, mommy?” when we were playing together. I wasn’t mad, but I was annoyed by the tedium of play-acting yet another fairytale story when we should have been getting ready for school, and apparently this unintended message was written on my face. Her reaction shook me up.
I realize now that my influence gives me a lot of power in my household, and it is stronger than any physical, economic, or social dominance could ever be. But with such power comes responsibility. It can be as protective as an umbrella or as harmful as a loaded gun, and I need to use it carefully.
Monday, November 5, 2012
What Day Is It?
I consider myself pretty technologically savvy. I’m the one who sets the DVR, makes wireless connections, fixes frozen computers, prints and edits digital photos, and downloads apps. But I have been struggling to convert from my old -school datebook to an electronic calendar for about two years now, and it just won’t stick.
When it comes to schedules, I am a visual person. I like to see what’s coming, not just the day or even a full week. I need my monthly grid. I have an emotional response to its combination of cluttered and empty boxes, the anticipation of approaching events, and the planning possibilities for the days ahead. I want to be able to assess what mood I will be in before scheduling something, like a new client (need a clear head), doctor appointment (need extra time for waiting), or sleepover (nothing else on the calendar for two days).
So I have always used monthly datebooks to track my life. But as my life has expanded to include a husband and two kids, I have found it harder to keep our schedules together. Plans are made while on the computer in our home office, or on the kitchen phone, or out at school meetings, so I ended up having calendars hanging at home in the kitchen and office and another carried along in my purse. Each one held a portion of our plans but none had them all. And any attempt at color-coding by person was quickly dropped. So I figured an electronic calendar would solve this problem. After all, I almost always had my phone on me.
But it’s not the same to see a month on a screen with a dot on every day that has an entry, each dot requiring a followup click on the day to see exactly what is there. I know I can print out a paper copy of my electronic month, but that’s yet another step, and one that must be repeated after every change (and you all know how often things change). Besides, a typed chronological list centered in each day’s box does not satisfy my need for the visual cues of listing morning appointments up high and night events down low.
Then, there is the time required to keep my electronic calendar updated. Some may think a typed entry is much sleeker than the tiny scrawls crowding my daily squares, but there is no doubt it is faster to scribble in an appointment than to open an app, choose the affected calendar(s), type in a subject and location, choose a date, choose a start time, choose an end time, note if it a repeating event, and set up alerts. Plus, I usually have to go back to complete whichever of these aforementioned steps I forgot about the first time through, and then again to make a change. In my paper system, a change involves just the swish of an eraser (or scratch of a pen) and another scribble-- done.
Some may think the electronic alert system is a benefit paper calendars cannot provide, but the alert system on my smartphone is truly flawed. It may remind me that it’s your birthday, but if I’m not shopping at that moment, there’s a good chance the alert will be glanced at, deleted, and forgotten within minutes, along with your birthday card. My calendar only allows two alerts leading up to an event, but sometimes I need a steady nag – like an electronic mom. Seeing an important date circled with loopy red pen marks for weeks ahead does that for me.
I have found my electronic calendar also opens me up to some privacy issues. When playing games on my devices, my son has access to the calendar app, so sometimes I find entries like “Go poopy” or “Take me to Friendly’s” on various days. I don’t believe he has erased anything yet (though I’m sorry if I stood you up), but it is just a matter of time before he will figure out how to eliminate a parent-teacher meeting or cancel an unwanted activity.
“Syncing” devices means that some things are shared that I don’t want to be shared. Like when a popup reminder on the iPad interrupts my daughter’s Dora game just when her tantrum has been soothed, or I have to explain to my son what an “OBGYN appt” is, or confirmation of my lunchdate with the girls pops up on my husband’s phone just when I have convinced him that I have no free time.
I’m sure there are high-tech ways to battle these concerns, but I can’t seem to find a block of time to figure it all out. I guess I will just have to write, type, and pencil that in.
When it comes to schedules, I am a visual person. I like to see what’s coming, not just the day or even a full week. I need my monthly grid. I have an emotional response to its combination of cluttered and empty boxes, the anticipation of approaching events, and the planning possibilities for the days ahead. I want to be able to assess what mood I will be in before scheduling something, like a new client (need a clear head), doctor appointment (need extra time for waiting), or sleepover (nothing else on the calendar for two days).
So I have always used monthly datebooks to track my life. But as my life has expanded to include a husband and two kids, I have found it harder to keep our schedules together. Plans are made while on the computer in our home office, or on the kitchen phone, or out at school meetings, so I ended up having calendars hanging at home in the kitchen and office and another carried along in my purse. Each one held a portion of our plans but none had them all. And any attempt at color-coding by person was quickly dropped. So I figured an electronic calendar would solve this problem. After all, I almost always had my phone on me.
But it’s not the same to see a month on a screen with a dot on every day that has an entry, each dot requiring a followup click on the day to see exactly what is there. I know I can print out a paper copy of my electronic month, but that’s yet another step, and one that must be repeated after every change (and you all know how often things change). Besides, a typed chronological list centered in each day’s box does not satisfy my need for the visual cues of listing morning appointments up high and night events down low.
Then, there is the time required to keep my electronic calendar updated. Some may think a typed entry is much sleeker than the tiny scrawls crowding my daily squares, but there is no doubt it is faster to scribble in an appointment than to open an app, choose the affected calendar(s), type in a subject and location, choose a date, choose a start time, choose an end time, note if it a repeating event, and set up alerts. Plus, I usually have to go back to complete whichever of these aforementioned steps I forgot about the first time through, and then again to make a change. In my paper system, a change involves just the swish of an eraser (or scratch of a pen) and another scribble-- done.
Some may think the electronic alert system is a benefit paper calendars cannot provide, but the alert system on my smartphone is truly flawed. It may remind me that it’s your birthday, but if I’m not shopping at that moment, there’s a good chance the alert will be glanced at, deleted, and forgotten within minutes, along with your birthday card. My calendar only allows two alerts leading up to an event, but sometimes I need a steady nag – like an electronic mom. Seeing an important date circled with loopy red pen marks for weeks ahead does that for me.
I have found my electronic calendar also opens me up to some privacy issues. When playing games on my devices, my son has access to the calendar app, so sometimes I find entries like “Go poopy” or “Take me to Friendly’s” on various days. I don’t believe he has erased anything yet (though I’m sorry if I stood you up), but it is just a matter of time before he will figure out how to eliminate a parent-teacher meeting or cancel an unwanted activity.
“Syncing” devices means that some things are shared that I don’t want to be shared. Like when a popup reminder on the iPad interrupts my daughter’s Dora game just when her tantrum has been soothed, or I have to explain to my son what an “OBGYN appt” is, or confirmation of my lunchdate with the girls pops up on my husband’s phone just when I have convinced him that I have no free time.
I’m sure there are high-tech ways to battle these concerns, but I can’t seem to find a block of time to figure it all out. I guess I will just have to write, type, and pencil that in.
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