Tiger Parents?

Lately there has been a lot of talk about the parenting style of now infamous mother Amy Chua, Yale law professor and author of the new book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” In her book, Ms. Chua describes raising her daughters using the “Chinese” style of parenting (her word, not mine) which is defined by a stern focus on achievement and success, especially in academic and musical endeavors, and the exclusion of social and non-academic activities such as playdates, sports, and video games.

The Wall Street Journal article that first brought widespread attention to Ms. Chua’s book was entitled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”, though Ms. Chua insists she did not choose the title, nor does she believe that her way is superior. In fact, she states her book is about the transformation in her parenting from the strict Chinese style to a more flexible blend of Eastern and Western approaches following the protests of her youngest daughter.

Regardless, the harsh treatment of Ms. Chua’s daughters described in the book elicited strong reactions from parents, academics, and the media alike.

Some of Ms. Chua’s most controversial mothering moments include when she returned her four-year-old’s handmade birthday card because it was not good enough, or made her seven-year-old practice a piano piece repeatedly, with no rest, food, water, or bathroom breaks, until she played it perfectly, or called her daughter “garbage” for speaking disrespectfully to her.

Judging from these extreme situations, it is easy to dismiss her parenting as flawed and mean-spirited, but underneath her methods is a philosophy that might be worth considering.

Central to her approach is the idea that children need to be pushed to achieve because otherwise they will resist the hard work necessary to master something, and it is only after such mastery that they can develop a love for what they are doing. In other words, a child cannot love doing something until they are good at it, but they won’t work hard enough to get good at it on their own. Practice-practice-practice leads to excellence, which leads to praise and admiration, which builds confidence and spurs an eagerness to continue working. I can see the logic in that.

Another core premise of Ms. Chua’s methods is the belief that her children are inherently strong enough to handle her demands, and that ultimately the resulting accomplishment will build their self-esteem more than any negative words along the way will hurt it.

I know that is how my (non-Chinese) parents were raised as well, though it is in stark contrast to the prevailing “Western” belief that a child’s fragile psyche can be easily harmed through criticism. (Though it’s worth noting that our generation’s overinvolved, coddling parenting style has been found by more than one researcher to be doing more damage to self-esteem than good.)

I have recently began to wonder when my son’s motivation to succeed will shift from external (rewards, punishment) to internal (own sense of accomplishment, pride). At age eight, he is entering the period that psychologist Erik Erikson defined as a struggle between industry and inferiority, between being hard-working and industrious and feeling worthless and destructive. In this phase, self-esteem is built through doing, achieving, and figuring things out, not by talking about it. In many ways, Ms. Chua’s philosophy recognizes this. She forced her daughters to do until they succeed; she didn’t spend hours discussing how they are still special even if they cannot complete the task.

In a recent discussion with Ms. Chua, former Harvard president Larry Summers repeated a question he posed often to his faculty when encouraging them to push their students harder. Does self-esteem lead to accomplishment or does accomplishment lead to self-esteem? While the Western parenting style seems to favor the former, Mr. Summers echoed Ms. Chua when he argued for the latter, though he did not agree with her methods for getting there.

He also questioned what “accomplishment” really is, noting that some of Harvard’s most successful graduates are the ones who dropped out (e.g., Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg). Based on his experience, Mr. Summers stated that it is the C students, not the A students, that build wings onto campus buildings with their vast earnings. Other critics of Ms. Chua noted that pushing for excellence in traditional areas such as high grades may be a perfect way to raise a great follower, but a leader must be able to think outside the box, question boundaries, and break some rules.

When it comes to parenting, there will always be judgments, disagreements, and critiques. I don’t necessarily agree with Ms. Chua’s methods, but I can’t argue with her when she says parenting is “about helping your children be the best they can be – which is usually better than they think!”