Follow The Rules

I have always been a rule follower. Not only do I obey all laws, but I also follow societal rules that hold no threat of jail time. I stand in a long line when I have just one item, I wait at red lights even if they are interminable and there is no other car around for miles, I don’t park in the school drop off lane, I toss coupons after the expiration date, I return items within 90 days. I wear a cocktail dress to a cocktail party and a gown when “black tie is required”. I don’t stand up in airplanes when the seat belt light is illuminated. And so on.

This is why I am a good baker, but a terrible cook. I can follow a recipe to a tee, but don’t ask me to improvise with random ingredients and no measuring spoons. I can’t.

It just never dawned on me to question most rules. If there is a way something should be done, that’s how I’ll do it. If there is a law, regulation, or restriction, I abide by it. And if the rule changes, I’ll change. I meet expectations.

Yes, I get frustrated when the rules are irrational, but I usually let others iron out the reasoning, and assume all the obvious questions have already been answered. But now that I have children, I find myself spending half my day trying to answer those “obvious” questions and often falling short.

For a while I thought my kids questioned everything just to distract or delay, or maybe just to drive me crazy. Some questions, like “Why do I have to go to school?” or “Why do I have to wear a seatbelt?” are easy to answer authoritatively even if education, future opportunities, and hypothetical safety may be vague concepts to understand (and often refuted with more questions such as “But why would we get in an accident?”) Of course, since my answer is unwavering on these topics, they also tend to be the things least questioned. I need to remember that.

More often the questions hover around the hazier areas of cultural norms and expectations that may have developed over time. And frequently, that history may be the only reason these “unwritten rules” endure: “Why does the fork have to go on the left side of the plate?”; “Why do I have to wear THIS?” (uniform/suit/dress shoes…); “Why can’t I sleep in the guest room?” I am learning that my parents’ ole standby, “Because I said so!”, just doesn’t fly with my brood.

So I try to come up with a more rational answer, and I am finding that for many things I just can’t. Why can’t we sit down in the elevator? I can tell that my husband enjoys when our children question the norms even when he is the one being questioned, because he appreciates their creative minds that won’t take things at face value, that won’t back down, that dream of new solutions. And isn’t that how you want your child to be?

But I am struggling with this dilemma. How do I encourage my children to follow the rules (for the benefit of myself and society as a whole) while also encouraging them to “think outside the box” (for the benefit of themselves, and maybe society as a whole)? How can I tell them that it is okay to act against the rules in some situations but not in others, to question some authority but not all, to consider doing things differently than everyone else but still fit in? And how do I encourage them to lead rather than to follow, while still maintaining family leadership myself?

History has shown that we need people out there questioning the rules and breaking them in order for changes and improvements to be made. Women’s rights, civil rights, children’s rights, domestic violence laws, and so many other important societal changes all came about thanks to people who refused to maintain the status quo. And I’ll bet they gave their parents a tough time too.

My father used to say, “I don’t answer ‘why’ questions.” I thought it was just his clever trick to make us think more creatively about how to get our answers, like starting a sentence with “How come…” or “What would happen if…,” but now I think it was simply a way for him to avoid admitting to the confusion, hypocrisy, and uncertainty that parents (like most humans) often experience. I don’t really know for sure, because I never thought to ask why.