Parental Power

What makes me powerful?

Have you ever asked yourself this question? If so, you may have focused on external things, such as economic status, physical strength, or social connections. These are the power sources that are most outwardly valued in our society, and they tend to be the ones most often abused in unhealthy relationships. But these superficial power sources can be easily shaken -- through job loss, accidents, health issues, relocation. For some it is very hard to recover from the resulting powerless feeling.

So it becomes important to identify our internal sources of power, which are actually more stable and long-term. We can ask ourselves, “Who am I?”, “What keeps me moving forward?”, and “What power will I draw on if my external power sources disappear?”

Recently, I was struggling with these questions myself, as frankly, my external power sources are virtually null. I could identify my internal power as sourced from education, not just book learning, but, more importantly, experiences that have informed me about other cultures, taught me about the consequences of my actions, and provided me with some level of “street smarts”. I know I have the power to make my own choices, not always about what happens to me, but about how I react to these things. And I have personal power through privileges I have worked to obtain and to keep, like my driver’s license, passport, jobs, and even this column.

But what makes me powerful in my family? That was more difficult to answer. Yes, I am the “female head of household” and the mother, which should inherently make me feel powerful but doesn’t. I am not the strongest, I am not the breadwinner, I don’t have the type of dynamic personality or decisiveness that compels people to follow my lead, and to date, “Because I’m your mother, that’s why!” has not gotten a lot of results.

But I do set the tone in my house, like it or not, and I realized that when my children go out in the world, they are reflections of my power. As a parent, my greatest power comes from my influence, arguably one of the strongest potential sources of power around.

In an adult relationship, it takes time to understand that we cannot change our partners, but can only influence them with our own actions and reactions. We may expect to be able to force changes more easily in our children because they are younger, smaller, and “ours”, but at a certain point it becomes clear that these too are separate people that cannot be made to behave a certain way or to believe a certain thing. Even with children, our primary source of power is our influence. And our primary source of influence is our own actions.

We may believe that punishments and rewards exert a whole lot of influence, but unless our behavior reflects the same values we are trying to teach, the message will ultimately be lost. Remember the saying, “Do what I say, not what I do”? Well, good luck with that. As parents, our actions are infinitely more powerful than our words.

Our children will not learn respect if we are disrespecttful to others. They will not stop hitting if they see us hit. They will use mean words if they hear our gossip. They will continue to connect drinking with social acceptance if they see us over-indulging at social functions. They learn from watching us.

We may not even be aware of those times when we are having the greatest influence on our family. Who doesn’t remember a time when their loved ones picked up on a negative attitude even when we thought we were hiding behind a grin of deceit? My son can tell when I am not tuned in to his latest video game antics, even when I am physically watching. The kids hear me give an involuntary sigh in the car, even when it is inaudible to me. My husband picks up on the sarcasm in my voice when I say I’m “just kidding”. Just this morning my daughter asked, “Why are you mad, mommy?” when we were playing together. I wasn’t mad, but I was annoyed by the tedium of play-acting yet another fairytale story when we should have been getting ready for school, and apparently this unintended message was written on my face. Her reaction shook me up.

I realize now that my influence gives me a lot of power in my household, and it is stronger than any physical, economic, or social dominance could ever be. But with such power comes responsibility. It can be as protective as an umbrella or as harmful as a loaded gun, and I need to use it carefully.