Christmas "PEAR"

I love my family - immediate and extended, but let’s face it: While one of the best things about the holidays can be spending time with family, this can also be one of the most stressful. Family members have spent years studying each other’s buttons and learning just how to push them for maximum impact. Visions of perfect storybook celebrations may keep everyone on their best behavior for a while, but the suppression of negative emotions doesn’t always last, especially when mixed with high expectations, long days, decreased sleep, and increased alcohol intake.

“Plan ahead” is the catchphrase of the holiday season, with lifestyle gurus in the media offering a more enjoyable experience via the use of schedules, lists, family chore charts, and multi-sized baskets. But we often forget that it is as important to prepare for the emotional side of the holidays as for the practical side. After all, it is usually negative emotional experiences that cloud our holiday memories. We may be able to laugh about burned roasts or forgotten stocking stuffers, but it is harder to dismiss a sibling’s nasty comment about our parenting skills or an uncle’s drunken commentary on our lifestyle choices.

When helping clients manage stress and anger, I use a simple acronym, PEAR, which I’ll pretend I created in honor of the proverbial “pear tree” within which the holiday partridge sits. At least that should make it easy to remember through the upcoming twelve days of Christmas vacation.

P is for “plan” or “prepare”: Our closest family members may know best how to push our buttons, but they didn’t put them there. We are each responsible for minimizing or removing our own buttons so they cannot be pushed, so first we need to know what they are.

Think about your anger triggers. What behaviors or phrases get to you? What are the underlying themes? Are you especially sensitive to being disrespected, talked down to, criticized? Do you get upset when others challenge or compete with you? Can you tolerate different opinions? Be honest with yourself, because the only way you can remove your triggers is to confront them.

If you don’t know, tune in to your body. When we are upset, there are often physical indications – rise in body temperature, shortness of breath, louder or faster talking, sweaty or shaky hands. If you still don’t know, ask your children or spouse. I’ll bet they can tell you what bothers you and what you look like when you are mad.

Once you have identified your triggers, the goal is to be able to recognize when you are starting to get agitated and choose more positive responses. Or get away.
E is for Escape: We can’t always eliminate stressful situations from our lives, but we can develop an escape plan to be executed when necessary. If you are in a group setting, be aware of the actual exit doors. If there is a person or topic that is especially difficult for you, enlist a partner you can signal to rescue you from an extended conversation. If you have a full house, take a breather away from company and do something on your own to recharge.

A is for Avoid: Someone who has just ended a relationship may want to pass on events that their ex may attend. Someone who is struggling with sobriety might avoid holiday parties where alcohol may be flowing. Even at home, if there is a particular guest who always drinks too much and acts out, lock the vodka in the liquor cabinet during their stay.

R is for Relax or Resolve: Simple techniques may seem corny, but it is true that a few deep breaths can interrupt the cycle of anger and help minimize the instinctive reactions we later regret. Come up with a few key phrases to calm yourself like “I don’t have to win this one,” “She’s entitled to her opinion”, or “This is not about me” to put the situation back in perspective and help you regain control. The short-term goal is to relax in the moment, but these skills can also help us resolve issues in the long-term by changing the way we think about them overall.

This year, following the recent tragedy in Newtown and the devastating Fall storms, many of us are more on edge than usual. There may be sensitivities where before there were none – concerns about loss and recovery, financial worries, fears that may cause sleeplessness for us or our children. Try to find some quiet time to reflect on your own family and consider what old, new, and possibly unexpected issues may arise this year. Then prepare yourself so that your twelve days of Christmas vacation can end with a rousing chorus.

Happy holidays!