Mad World

I cannot process the unending stream of stories about violent reactions in our everyday lives that seems to be hitting the airwaves.

Not too long ago, we were complaining about too much violence in the movies or on video games, worrying about its effects on our children and citing rash extreme situations like Columbine. But now it seems every day there is a new story about regular violence between ordinary people who seem simply to have not learned how to handle anger and frustration, and resort to aggressive words and actions as a result.

We have seen fights among rowdy sports fans before, but this year we saw a fight in the stands at the US Open, usually a model of calm decorum (at least off the courts!). Then a girl fight on YouTube which was not only witnessed and cheered by schoolmates, but by one of the girl’s mothers as well (she was later arrested for child abuse). Not to mention the New Jersey “Housewives” and other television personalities who demonstrate their frustration by toppling tables at dinner parties, screaming through country clubs, and pulling out hair extensions.

Of course, when it is on “reality television” we say it is staged - they are doing it for the show, but what about when it is in reality?

I would argue that the omnipresence of camera phones and the immediacy of the internet have exacerbated the problem, not to mention the need for programming on the multitude of 24-hour news channels. With society’s emphasis on fame regardless of its source, it seems that everyone is performing in a way. The participants in these explosions become “celebrities” in their own right. And every time we see these events, despite the discussion around them, it reinforces these actions as a reasonable choice.

And what about the voyeurs? What does it say about human nature that gangs of kids gather round and not only witness or cheer on, as in schoolyard fights in past generations, but actually film and upload the event for others to view repeatedly. Who will take the responsibility to stop these incidents when there is so much to be made from their occurrence?

In spite of all our technological development and the racks of self-help books, it seems that our society is getting angrier and angrier. Yes, it may be partly due to the increased stress of the economic times we live in, as well as our busy overstretched lifestyles and separation from extended family support systems. But I think much of it has to do with the ever-increasing focus our society places on the individual. Our appearance, our success, our achievements, our possessions help create an environment of self-centeredness where each person feels entitled to self-defense at any cost. Every action, behavior, or statement is taken personally and deserves a response, and if it is unflattering, there must be a defensive reply.

But that self-centeredness is based on an illusion. Guess what. Not everything that happens to us is about us. And though we may sometimes believe “she made me” or “I had to”, violence is not a necessity, it is a choice.

We do not have to respond to every insult or hit back against every strike, physically or verbally. Most of human behavior is about the one behaving, not the one receiving. So, when somebody insults us, it is not their words but rather our response that reflects on us. Those who can extricate themselves from conflict in a calm, controlled manner ultimately appear a lot stronger than those who fly towards it with swinging fists.

It is imperative that we teach our children that they do not have to respond to aggression with aggression. That it is stronger and “cooler” to walk away than to end up glorified on YouTube. We must teach them conflict-resolution, problem-solving, and relaxation skills. And most of all, we must teach them to reconsider how they think about another’s actions. Changing negative self-talk, like “I must win,” “I can’t let her disrespect me,” or “I will look bad if I don’t defend myself” to more positive thoughts such as “He can say what he wants, I know I’m cool,” “It is not worth fighting over this,” or “This is her problem not mine” is a critical step to changing our reactions from base instinct to thoughtful response.

Of course, before we can teach our kids, we have to learn this ourselves. Give it a try. I think you’ll feel a lot better.