Monday, April 22, 2013

Introverted Mom

A wise frog once said, “It's not easy being green. It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things, and people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water or stars in the sky.”

When I was a child, I thought that Kermit was talking about the difficulties of being, well, green. But listening to his words recently with my daughter, I realized that he was talking about the challenges of being introverted in our very extroverted world. I’m embarrassed to admit that my eyes welled up with tears, and this song has become a bit of an anthem for me, as I have been struggling with this dilemma for as long as I can remember.

Recently, other introverts have started to speak out as well. Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking was on multiple bestseller lists, and she was a featured author at the Darien Library last fall. Additionally, Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert’s Corner blog for Psychology Today published The Introvert’s Way: Living A Quiet Life in a Noisy World.

These authors point out that the definitions of “introvert” and “extrovert” are complex. Many of us have some combination of both traits, and we may not fit an expected stereotype. Introverts are not necessarily “antisocial” or “loners” or even “shy”. The fundamental characteristic distinguishing introverts from extroverts is their internal energy source. While extroverts get energy from being around others, introverts refuel with quiet time alone. Extroverts thrive with a lot of external stimulation, while introverts are more easily overwhelmed. Introverts like me still enjoy socializing but with fewer, close friends, and in shorter intervals.

In college and in the corporate world, I knew my introversion would be a challenge. I took small steps to connect with others and challenged myself to build a career in the extroverted business of advertising. But I never considered how my introverted nature would affect my role as a mom. I assumed being home all day with my little minions would be perfect for my introverted soul. But I’m finding it’s even harder to be an introverted mom than it was to be an introverted ad executive.

This suburban oasis is filled with “achievers”, “leaders”, and “stars”. Even the stay-at-home parents often leave high profile careers, and take their outgoing Type A personalities to the playgrounds and the PTOs. I try to join in, volunteer my time, and host events, but I get palpitations just writing about it here. It feels like every group is filled with teams of friends who choose to conduct their activities in tandem while I go solo, sit quietly in the corner, and participate in simple ways when needed, sometimes admittedly resenting the resulting loss of a rare quiet hour.

While I know the constant barrage of input from children can be truly overwhelming to any parent, it is tougher for the introverted parent because of our need for quiet time to recharge. Weekends are the least relaxing of my days despite our limited schedules and my husband’s availability to share the load because there are just too many people around. The constant activity, noise, requests, clutter build-up, and need for my attention completely wear me down. The result is not always pretty. I also worry that my need for solitude could become a hindrance to my children’s social lives. I don’t want them stuck at home because I am uncomfortable joining in.

Even the books which speak to growing up as an introvert, finding success in a workplace that rewards more extroverted behaviors, and parenting the introverted child, do not provide much information about surviving as an introverted mom. But luckily I found some introverted moms online (of course!). They shared tips to balance down time with social activities that aren’t overwhelming. For example, having playdates at a park or museum with built-in entertainment instead of at home may provide a good balance of activity for the children and quiet time for the parents. Inviting one family over for a casual dinner may be easier to handle than hosting a big gathering. Scheduling rest time daily and emphasizing softer indoor voices can bring down the stimulation level at home. Wandering supermarket aisles alone when childcare is available can offer a relaxing break.

In their books, both Cain and Dembling speak to the fact that many introverts can be pseudo-extroverts when the situation requires it. “But in the long run,” says Cain, “staying true to your temperament is the key to finding work you love and work that matters.” And, this means making family time work for you as well.

Like Kermit,“I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be.”

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