Going back to school means a lot of things to children – new clothes and school supplies, earlier bedtimes, reconnecting with friends, busy but more regular schedules. Unfortunately, for some kids, going back to school can also mean fear, frustration, and anxiety, especially for those who are bullied.
When you think of a “bully”, you may picture the traditional big kid demanding lunch money from the little guy, kicking sand in his face, or knocking his books on the ground. But bullies come in many more shapes and sizes than that.
Bullies exist at every age group, in every socioeconomic class, in every culture. Some may fit the bigger and stronger stereotype, but others may not, like pretty young girls who ridicule those who don’t fit into their clique. Some may attack with words rather than with fists. And some may even hide behind a computer screen.
For parents of a bullied child, it is not always easy to know when to fight for them and when to stand back. Our instinct may be to come to the rescue, call the bully’s parents, or complain to the school, but as a first step, it may be better to offer guidance as to how our children can confront the bully on their own. Remember our ultimate goal is to prepare them for the bullies they will meet down the road (at college, in the office, or in their future family lives) when we will not be there.
We can help by offering our children a safe, non-judgmental ear, helping our children to understand that they never “deserve” to be bullied and that anyone who is participating is not their friend, and teaching our children how to assert themselves so they will not appear to be the easy target that most bullies seek.
Saying “Stop that” or “Don’t touch me” in a strong, loud tone may be enough to send a bully looking for a quieter victim. Role-playing is a great way to help our children practice what they want to say. Have the children play the bully first so they can use dialogue that they have experienced first-hand (this may also be an easier way for them to share what is happening). Then, in the child’s role, we can provide detailed scripts and illustrate different outcomes, which may enhance their confidence when it comes time to face their bully alone.
In middle school and high school, our children are less likely to come to us, even when they should, fearing ridicule and even greater bullying if they are revealed as a tattletale. It is at these times that the open communication we encouraged earlier may be critical.
This is also the time that cyberbullying becomes dominant. This is the newest and possibly the scariest form of bullying because it is anonymous and can spread like wildfire. If you tease somebody on the bus, you might be heard by forty kids, but if you tease somebody online (via email, instant messaging, blogs, or social networking sites), it can be seen by hundreds, who then may forward it on to hundreds more. And it may be received in silence as only the bullied child sees the words. [You and your children can get more information on protecting yourself from cyberbullying and other cyber threats at www.cybertipline.com and www.netsmartz.org.]
It is also important to remember that it isn’t only the bullied child that needs help. While the bullies themselves may appear to be extremely confident from the outside (especially to the bullied child), they are often masking their own insecurities by focusing attention on the flaws of another.
So when we hear that our children are the bullies, it may be better to curb our instinct to defend them and instead use this news as an opportunity. We can talk to our children to uncover the reasons for bullying. What are they feeling anxious about? What type of “threat” may the bullied child pose to them (smarter, prettier, teachers’ favorite?) How else can they get respect?
Finally we may need to look at ourselves. What type of model are we providing to our kids? Do we bully others in our own lives? If so, then our children may just be repeating what they see.
No child should have to go to school in fear, be they the bullied or the bully. Hopefully in this school year, they won’t.
No comments:
Post a Comment