Unhealthy Competition

We all know them. That friend, or colleague, or family member who can, and does, compete with everyone about everything. No matter how bad your day, their day was worse. No matter how busy your weekend, theirs was busier. No matter how big your injury, theirs is bigger. No matter how great (or difficult) your children are, theirs are better (or worse). For these people, everything is a competition, whether it makes them look good or bad.

Most of us probably can identify this type fairly quickly, and either learn to avoid them or at least alter our expectations about their responses so that they don’t bother us so much. In these cases, we can limit our exposure.

But what about when the competitor isn’t so easy to avoid? What happens when your main competition is with the one you are supposed to care for most, your spouse?

Sometimes the competition is an unambiguous quest for superiority that is clearly measurable. Who is the better tennis player? Who gets paid more? Who wins Scrabble more often?

But oftentimes, the competition is more vague. Who is a better parent? Who works harder? Who makes the better decisions? This often expands to include a competition over “Who is the least appreciated?” with the overarching question then becoming “Who has it worse?” Ironically, the “winning” partner then feels superior. How warped is that? “My life is worse than yours! I win!

Competition can be out in the open, as when one spouse challenges another to a game or contest. (“I’m superior.”) It can be subtle, as with the wife who always has an opposing argument to her husband’s perspective, but presents it with a smile. (“I’m smarter.”) Or it can be covert as with the father who buys his child a new toy couched with the promise, “But don’t tell your mom.” (“Our child likes me more.”) It can even be subconscious as with the wife that promises to plan the weekly schedule with her husband to ensure a balance of childcare, but then repeatedly has last minute obligations that leaves him alone with the children yet another night. (“I’m busier than you.” or “My schedule is more important than yours.”)

Such competition does not build strong bonds between spouses. Instead it chips away at the core attributes of a good relationship including trust, respect, and love. Spouses may intentionally or subconsciously set each other up for failure, in order to be able to say, “I’m better than you” at the end.

Such competition can also be damaging to the family. When spouses compete for “favorite parent” status, they often undermine the other parent in the process. It may not be intentional, but I’d bet most of our children could tell you which parent lets them do/have/buy the most and where each parent’s insecurities lie, and trust me, they will use this against you.

So why do we compete with the one who is supposed to be our biggest ally? Aren’t we on the same team? A competition is a win-lose situation, so if you win, that means your partner must lose. Who’s going to want to stay around if they are always the loser?

If we view our relationships as a team, then we should be seeking ways to create win-win situations. We don’t have to agree on everything, but we can agree to disagree respectfully. Both partners can be acknowledged for their contributions. Nobody has to lose. Nobody has to give in. Nobody has to be humiliated.

Of course, this might mean we will have to acknowledge that we don’t know it all and sometimes we might have to ask for help. We might even have to admit that we aren’t always working harder, sleeping less, or feeling worse, and offer some comfort to our partner who is.

I read somewhere that marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100. We’re in it together, and if we feel unappreciated, it is likely that our partners do as well. What if we competed to see who showed the most appreciation for the other, who could make the other laugh most, or who could be the kindest? Now that’s a competition I could get into.