Parenting for The Long Run

When I first learned that I was going to have a child, I knew that my life was going to change immensely. I knew it would be hard to adjust to the loss of freedom and lack of sleep, to sharing my every minute with another after more than a decade of self-indulgent adult living, to being responsible for keeping another person alive. I think I was prepared for the physical responsibility, but I don’t think I really understood the emotional responsibility that was in store.

Early on the focus was on the physical – feeding, diapering, sleeping schedules, vaccines. The need to discipline came next, but it began primarily around safety issues and clear cut do’s and don’t’s.

But as we entered the school years, it started to become clear that it is not enough for us as parents just to keep our children alive during their formative years. We are responsible for creating personalities that will be out there in the real world, existing and interacting with other people, crafting the future of the country and the planet, and likely continuing the cycle with families of their own.

Our actions and reactions will determine how our children handle rejection and frustration, respond to limitations, manage time, money and other resources, and interact with others. We teach the basics such as personal hygiene, healthy eating, and manners, but also shape character by demonstrating patience, integrity, responsibility, trustworthiness, gratitude, moderation, compassion, empathy. These are attributes that are not inherent. If we want our children to have them, they have to come from us.

And guess what? Our children aren’t always very receptive to learning them.

It seems like almost every situation that presents itself offers the opportunity for a lesson to be learned or a boundary to be established. I can give a treat or I can require it be earned to encourage acceptance of delayed gratification. I can feed the yet-again unfed goldfish, or I can let it die to show the consequences of lapsed responsibility. I can buy and wrap the birthday gift myself, or I can spend hours watching my child choose a gift and use an entire roll of tape to wrap it to teach him about budgeting, generosity, and presentation. I can pick up the messes or I can endure a whole lot of complaining while requiring all family members to clean up after themselves. I can dress the children myself in seconds, or I can watch as they put their pants on first backwards then forwards, and then their shirts on first backwards then forwards, then pull and twist on their socks and criss-cross their shoes until they have succeeded on their own.

My mantra for parenting is “Don’t let them do once what you don’t want them to do always” but I’m not always great at its implementation. Sometimes, I want to say, “yes, yes, yes” instead of “no, no, no.” Sometimes I want to do it myself instead of waiting for them to take initiative, be responsible, or master a new skill. Sometimes I want to drop the teacher role and just get on with the day.

Sometimes I take shortcuts, using tricks to get my children to do what I want while making it seem like they are getting what they want. I’ve replaced numerous torn books and broken toys with “repaired” duplicates. I’ve said, “I’ll be right back” as I tucked my son into bed, hoping he would fall asleep before I returned (hours later). I’ve “misread” directions to ensure a game is played with little conflict and a lot of speed.

I know I’m not alone with my tricks, as the many recent cookbooks featuring vegetables hidden in favorite foods fit in this category. On the surface, it seems like a happy compromise for all, but in the long-run the child does not learn to handle loss, go to sleep on their own, be a good sport, or make healthy food choices (remember, that restaurant mac ‘n cheese has no squash in it). And our job becomes harder, not easier.

Parenting for the long-term is much more difficult than I expected, but I hear the rewards are coming someday if I can just be patient. I wish I could just throw a tantrum instead, but that never got me anywhere.